The Coming New Year...

I had an appointment with my therapist today, which was good, and we talked a lot about motivation. About the way my eating seems to be good right after an appointment, then gradually goes down hill over the week, and the last few days are usually quite bad. Then, totally unprompted, I had a little sit-down afterwards and had a good think about why I'm recovering.

I looked at my sheets that we've made - the lists of the pro's and con's, the reasons why I'm fed up with ED, the things I can do to help motivate myself. But I also just wrote a little list of what I want out of life. I want to help people, I want to act, I want to appreciate music and art, I want to fall in love and have a long-term relationship, I want friends and to be close to people, and...I want to be skinny. Well, that's what I wrote at least. Then I had a little think about why I want to be skinny.

What will that give me? Why do I want that? Well, I want it because I want to have a 'good body', and go through life with the confidence that I look good. And yet, looking that way requires illness, madness and eventual breakdown. And many people look good without being thin; many people have confidence in their appearance without being thin. What's more, achieving thinness won't necessarily make me confident. What it definitely will do is consume all my other goals and make them impossible.

That's why I'm recovering.
And it's why you should, too.

This is the time of year for reflection, and thinking about what you want, as people formulate their New Year's Resolutions. This is the first time since I was 13 that my New Year's Resolutions haven't included weightloss. The first time since I was 13. I'm now 21. Isn't that fucking scary?

So, my New Year's Resolutions this year are to practice self-love - RADICAL SELF-LOVE where possible =D - and, the slightly more boring, non-ED related one, to structure my time better. (Making schedules and suchlike.)

What are your NYR's, and why are you making them?

x

Hatred?

I'm trying to figure out what I'm feeling right now, because I can sense that there's a lot there, except there's some sort of filter that means I'm not experiencing my emotions to the full. They're kind of muted somehow. Probably a self-defensive mechanism on the part of my subconscious. But I'm trying to figure it out anyway.

I'm feeling anxious. I'm feeling distressed. I'm feeling ashamed. And I'm feeling hatred. Now this is interesting, because hatred is an emotion I very rarely feel, towards anyone or anything. I'm just not the kind of person to hate. Or am I?

I realise that all this time, for years and years when I believed myself not to be the hating kind, that I've been hating at full pelt. I've been hating my body, just in the way that I'm hating it right now. For many years, I simply hated myself. But I never fully realised that it's exactly the same kind of hatred that other people feel. Maybe I never wanted to admit that I was feeling that hatred, because I like not hating. I like being an easy-going person who's calm and clear-headed, and generally tries to achieve a level of understanding that surpasses hatred. So realising that actually, I do hate after all, is not a very easy realisation. I've been feeling just the same amount of hatred as the next person, it's just that mine has all been directed inwards. Maybe that's because I was ashamed of it; maybe it's because I'm just not as compassionate towards myself as I am towards everyone else. Maybe I'll never know.

But the point is, right now, among everything else, I'm feeling hatred. And that's ok. It's unpleasant, and it's irrational, but it's ok to be feeling it.

Embrace your emotions. After all, they're yours.

All Hail Gala Darling

Like my Christmas nails?

Thought I'd update, although it'll be a bit depressing I fear. (Despite the fact that I'm currently sitting in the living room with my whole family here, music playing, parents hanging up Christmas cards.)
It's pretty miserable at the moment to be honest. Without restricting, without weightloss, I literally have nothing. I am nothing. Everything I do is an attempt to distract myself from the fact that I'm eating so much (it's actually a healthy amount, but feels like tonnes to me), and every meal and snack gets harder than the last. I was meant to have an appointment at the hospital today, but it had to be put off until tomorrow because the buses have been jiggered by the snow we've had.

What I would like to share with you all is my latest discover, Gala Darling's blog, and her programme from February of RADICAL SELF LOVE. I have started practicing already and it is, well, radical. I've got a RSL Bible and everything. On the front page it just says "I am fucking brilliant". Lolz. Then I wrote a description of myself after Bea's video on WeRFreedomFighters, about how weight doesn't define you, describing lots of things about myself and conspicuously not mentioning my appearance in any way. It's a good exercise. I'm soon to be printing off lots of quotes to stick in there, and got lots of hearts to draw!

I particularly enjoyed this blog entry:
http://galadarling.com/article/100-ways-you-can-start-loving-yourself-right-now
Go read it! All of yous!

x

Today's Appt

Currently watching The Barber of Siberia, one of my favourite films ever =D

So the first thing to say is that yesterday, when I weighed myself (and on Saturday), I got the number in kilos. After posting yesterday, I worked out what that number was in stones + pounds, and it wasn't nearly as high as I thought. Not the highest I've been in a year. (Thank god.) That was just a taste of what is to come if I don't sort my shit out by the time I actually do reach that weight.

I calmed down a lot after realising my weight was lower than I thought, which is not a good thing, but I suppose in the short term it did make a big difference. Trouble is, my mind set by then was already stuck in the 'must-lose-weight' thing.

Luckily I had an appointment today, and we talked about a lot of things. I brought up the fact that I don't know how to deal with weight gain, and we talked about anxiety. When I see that I've gained weight, my anxiety shoots through the ceiling, and the obvious thing to do is to start restricting, which brings it straight back down again (doesn't completely eradicate it, but helps). What I need to be doing is riding it out, and it'll fade of its own accord if I distract myself. Besides, being underweight increases your anxiety anyway. And losing weight only reduces anxiety very temporarily - after all, it's a compulsion, not a choice, and you can never lose it fast enough or 'well' enough.

We also talked about enjoyment, mainly the fact that I don't get any from anything other than losing weight. She was saying how I need to change my expectations - other things might not be enjoyable yet, but they will be, and they'll be enjoyable in a different way. And - as I said - losing weight is only enjoyable for a very short time, and extremely unenjoyable the rest of the time.

So I need to ride out my anxiety, and change my expectations of enjoying things. And continue to eat lots of food. We'll see how all that goes...

Gut feelings vs what I actually think

My thoughts are in an absolute whirl today. I feel terrible.

I'm gaining weight, and I don't know how to deal with it. That's what this comes down to. Not knowing how to deal with weight gain. It's going right at the top of the agenda for Tuesday's appointment, but until then? Not a clue what to do with myself.

After a very successful 10/10 day on Saturday, yesterday ended up being more like a 4-5, and today is set to be even worse. I've weighed myself twice this week, which I'm not supposed to do. Result? The number is the highest it's been in at least a year, possibly two. And seriously, I just don't know how to handle that. I really, honestly don't.

My thoughts have gone straight back to not giving a shit about whether I'm healthy or not, and just wanting to be thin. I was thinking this morning how I'll have to get rid of all my short skirts because I'll just look terrible in them. I've still got a pair of jeans from last summer when I was underweight, and can't bring myself to get rid of them, because I can't help feeling that I should be able to fit into them - that's the size I ought to be. I just look so much better that way. In fact all my clothes would look better on me if I was slimmer.

Now I know full well that when I was down at that weight, I was not happy. I remember very clearly writing an e-mail to a friend who was also struggling, and emphasising how not worth it the weightloss was. My eating was so disordered, and my mind too. I was an absolute mess. And yet, I did still feel that I looked better than I had done at a higher weight. There were times when I looked in the mirror and thought "yeah, not bad". I don't have that any more. I just feel huge. People would comment on how thin I'd got, and it made me feel great; now my parents say how much better I look, and it makes me feel awful.

The thought of that number on the scale this morning sets panic into my heart, honest to god. I literally do not know what to do with myself.

What's silly is that when I see thin people, I think they look good; when I see healthy people, I sometimes still have to remind myself that that's beautiful too. It's so programmed into my brain that thin = beautiful that I'm ashamed of myself sometimes for thinking healthy people don't look as good as thin people. It's such a joke. Of course it's difficult to judge how beautiful someone is before you know them - mostly I find people beautiful because I know that they have a beautiful personality. And I find healthy people much more attractive than thin people - I'll say that much straight up. I honestly don't find thinness at all attractive, on either gender. I guess I don't feel like I have a beautiful personality, so I have to make up for it by having a beautiful body. I just don't have any self-worth, so I need to make up for it by having as good an outward appearance as I can.

But until I have more self-worth? What do I do until then?

It's funny, I have a friend who was very thin when I first knew her - not through disordered eating, mind - and last summer she put on a fair amount of weight and now has a much healthier build. When I first saw her after the weight gain, my initial thought was that she didn't look as good - then I stopped myself, and realised how ridiculous that was. She's still just as wonderful a person, and besides, that's what bodies are MEANT to look like. They're supposed to be shapely and sturdy and strong, not thin and weak. And I honestly do think she's just as beautiful now, it's just that my initial gut reaction was different. So how do I cure that gut feeling?

There's a quote from The Seagull, where Masha (who I'm playing) goes: I shall tear this love out of my heart, right from the root. (rough translation, apologies).

That's what I need to do with this bloody eating disorder. С корнем вырву.

I give today a 10

Hey guys.
(Although, I haven't had any comments in a while, so I'm not sure if anyone is still reading this....but whatever.)

So I'm on the gradual weight gain programme, having to eat three meals and three snacks every day. And omg, it's FUCKING HARD WORK. My therapist was talking about 'ripping the plaster off' instead of peeling it back slowly - going all out and trying to do a full week of eating properly, rather than having the odd day here and there where I eat well, and other days where I let ED take control. So that's what I'm trying to do. To rip the plaster off. Only trouble is, it hurts like a bitch.

I have to rate every day out of 10 based on how well I've followed the plan, and I've had at least one 10/10 so far. Yesterday was more of a 6, since I missed a meal and a snack (oops). But then what I did eat was very good, hence why it's not too bad a score. Doing pretty well today, except I got up late which kind of funked everything up. I made a veggie meatloaf earlier using a Nigella Lawson recipe (omg, love Nigella...), trying to make sure food is nice atm. Like, if I'm gonna be eating 6 times a day, it has to be something I really like otherwise it'll feel like even more of a chore. I know some people feel safer eating foods they don't really like, cos then they know they won't binge, but I'm the complete opposite. I can't eat stuff I don't really like, cos it feels like a complete waste of calories. Like, now I'm full of calories, and I didn't even get anything out of it. You know?

So, aiming for a ten. We'll see how that goes...

This morning

So, this morning.

First off, my weight wasn't as bad as I thought given that everything I've eaten since Saturday was still inside me. It was exactly the same as last week. But what really REALLY frustrates me is that, had the laxatives worked, it would definitely have been lower. And then I would've had that all-important downward line on the graph.

As it happened, there was no graph today, because my therapist had forgotten to do it. But it turns out that they need 4 readings in order to describe a trend, so actually, it wouldn't have mattered what today's reading was. The idea is that they get you to look at trends rather than obsessing over individual weight readings - that's the theory. In practice, it's gonna take a lot of work before I stop freaking out over each individual weight. And you know what really got me? I know she didn't mean it to be upsetting, but my therapist said that she was worried my weight would've gone down since last week. Like, of all the things to say that are gonna just turn the knife in the wound of not having lost weight because of stupid laxatives.  :'( Of course, from a treatment point of view, she pointed out that it was good it hadn't gone down. But all this really is by the by since, as I said, it'll be next week before we have 4 readings on the graph and can deduce some kind of trend. Anyway.

We're in the slight conundrum of knowing that my weight is now within the healthy range (something else I despise) but that my body still doesn't like being here, and wants me to be a bit bigger. So we're gonna shoot for that higher weight, but taking it very slowly, looking at gaining a couple of kilos in the next month. This will require a HELL of a lot of work from me. Because it's not the intensive weight gain programme I was on before (since we can't be absolutely 100% sure that I do *need* to gain weight, it's just that I've noticed my body tends to move itself towards this higher weight so that's probably where it wants to be.) See, the idea of the intensive weight gain programme is alright, because you essentially go all out and eat loads of junk food - in terms of all-or-nothing, that's the 'all'. Although I know perfectly well that in practice, I can't do that; I just can't handle eating that much crap for that many days in a row without taking a starvation break.

So actually, all things considered, it's probably a good thing that I'm on the current plan: I can include junk food, but I don't have to eat lots of it. The difficult thing is, as always, moderation. I just don't know how to do moderation. Even though that's what ends up happening when I *try* to go all-out: I can't manage it, so I end up eating some junk but not that much. So my eating habits will probably be exactly the same as when I'm on the intensive programme, it's just that now, that pattern is what I'm aiming for. But it's the mentality that counts. When I'm on the intensive programme, my mind is set to full gear - even though in practice I don't manage it, all I manage is second or third gear. Whereas now, my mind is supposed to be set to second or third gear, and I don't know how to do that. That's what's bugging me.

And, of course, the temptation to make sure my weight is lower next week, to get that *official* downward trend...well, let's not even go there...

Back to old behaviours

Tuesday tomorrow - weigh-day. Freaking out big time. I've even resorted back to taking laxatives, which I haven't done for over a year. (I quit when my parents found out, and my mum pointed out that women in our family have a history of gut problems which I seem to have luckily avoided, and it would be stupid to mess up my system now. I totally agree, but can't help it...)

Like I think I said in my last post, I weighed myself when I was at home on Saturday night. And given that I've been restricting since then, I thought I could be sure that my weight wouldn't be any higher than that. But, not to put too fine a point on it, all the food I've eaten since then is still in me, and I'm terrified what impact that will have on my weight. The graph gets drawn tomorrow: tomorrow will clinch the pattern, and will decide whether my weight is 'staying the same', or 'going down'. It'll probably be 'staying the same', which I hate. I so want it to be 'going down'.

To put this into context, I won't give numbers, but let's say my weight was X in Week 1. In Week 2, it was 1.1kg lower than X. And I was hoping that this week, it'd be even lower still. That would make a nice downward-sloping line on the graph. But I imagine at this rate it'll be back up to X again. =( Especially after eating so well on Wednesday-Friday. In fact, my weight was exactly X on Saturday night, just be some weird coincidence. So I'm hoping it'll be no higher, but it almost certainly won't be as low as Week 2. And when a graph goes up and down like that, they classify it as overall staying the same. And, most importantly, staying the same at a healthy weight. Which means I don't have to put weight on - I have to try to eat completely normally.

Ok, eating normally for me is the biggest scare. I can cope with gaining weight, because I've done it before, and at least it means I get to eat nice foods. But eating purely healthily? I literally have no idea how to do that, and no idea how to cope with it mentally. It goes completely against the 'all or nothing' mentality that I've had for so long with this eating disorder: either I'm allowed 'bad' foods, or I'm not; I don't know how to have them sometimes, in moderation. And I don't know how to eat purely for health, and not just for taste (when I'm gaining weight or having an 'eating day') or for weight loss. This is completely unknown territory for me, and I'm terrified that as a result of that graph tomorrow, I'll be catapulted into it. Honestly, I'd rather lose weight and then gain it back than maintain the same weight, because losing and gaining are both routines that I know well and feel reasonably comfortable with.

And you know what I'm most terrified of, most of all? Being told 'just try to eat healthily, and if you gain weight, you gain weight.' Like, if I'm going to gain weight, I want it to be controlled and deliberate. I hate it so much when it just happens unintentionally. I know that my body doesn't like this weight, even though I'm technically within the healthy category. My body likes being about 10 pounds heavier, the bastard. But because I'm not technically underweight, they probably won't tell me to deliberately gain any more weight - they're most likely to say that dreaded sentence 'just try to eat healthily, and if you gain weight, you gain weight'. That's a nightmare situation for me, and it's probably going to happen tomorrow.

Hence the restricting. Hence the laxatives. Hence hardly being able to concentrate on my work. Because I'm scared that one of my worst fears might come true tomorrow.

Big success, then slipping

Hey guys. So, the last time I posted, things weren't looking so good. Right now, they're kind of mixed.

If you follow my YouTube videos you'll know that I finally had some success on Thursday, breaking the board in Sul Ki Do! That was friggin awesome. Especially because I tried really hard to eat properly on Wednesday and Thursday, so that I could be up to full strength, and it looks like it paid off. Yey for recovery! I just felt so good on Thursday, and it did carry on into Friday. Eating well, I just felt so much more alive, you know? I went to the MCR after college Christmas Dinner on Wednesday, and was chatting away happily, not subdued by worries about how many calories I'd just consumed.

Things started to get harder on Friday, when I no longer had a specific goal/reason to eat well, and on Saturday I only managed two meals. I didn't really follow the whole regular eating plan, either, which is what I'm currently on for CBT. I have to eat something solid at least every 4 hours - 3 meals, 3 snacks. At the moment I can choose what I eat, so long as it's solid and I don't go longer than 4 hours without eating. Yeah, totally failed on that front on Saturday, but that was mainly because I was moving and the whole day was hectic.

I'm staying in Oxford until Wednesday even though term is now over, because I want to get some essay work done. Trouble is, my normal room is on the main college site, and they need it for interview candidates over the holidays, so I've been kicked out to extra college accommodation out of the centre. Highly annoying, as on Saturday (normal going home day), I had to do two moves - one with some stuff to my new room, the other taking the rest of my stuff home. I went home Saturday because there was a ceilidh in the evening, though in the end I only lasted for half of it because I'm coming down with a cold and wasn't feeling good =(

So today I was at home in the morning, then my mum brought me back to my new college room this afternoon. I managed brunch with my parents, but it doesn't look like I'll be managing another meal today. Still, I am getting back into the routine of regular eating (even though I'm just having fruit), which is better than nothing. I'm just not ready to go straight into 3 full meals and 3 proper snacks a day, not yet. Which is why I haven't been given any rules as to what I eat, I guess - I'm supposed to be taking it slowly. But somehow I still feel like I'm not doing well in recovery, just because I *should* be eating better food. God, I need to cut myself some slack. I had a very good few days last week, so so what if things go downhill a bit now? I'm still doing what I've been told, and can't be expected to manage more than that just yet.

I think my problem with regular eating, is that it means I don't feel like I can lose weight. Even if I had fruit for all my meals and snacks, I wouldn't be losing weight as quickly as I'd like. I won't say what my normal weight loss routine is, but let's just say, it doesn't involve eating 6 times a day! So I'm not having the benefit of losing weight, but neither am I having the benefit of eating proper food and feeling ok physically. I'm in a sort of no man's land, neither here nor there. Really don't like this stage. And I don't know if I'm going to be asked to gain weight, so I don't know what kinds of foods I'll be asked to eat when we do get to the stage where I have to eat the right things. That's stressing me out, because I like to know what's coming. Am I going to be asked to eat weight-gain foods, or just normal foods? I have no idea, and I hate that.

Anyway, I've been rambling for long enough now. Better sign off. Love to all xxxxx

Failure & Motivation

So it was the Sul Ki Do grading today - not a big one, just for white belts to get a little yellow tag on your belt, that means you're not a *complete* beginner. I've taken it before, and passed everything except the break. Yeah, breaking the board. I totally failed on that. And guess what? SAME FUCKING STORY today. Aced everything, and then couldn't break. AGAIN. I am so angry with myself, and just frustrated. The instructor who came to do the grading was so nice about it - on my way over to have a second attempt at breaking, he grabbed me for a little word and was like "please break, you're really good at everything else! break it even just for me". Although that kinda made me feel even worse when I failed, cos I felt like I was letting yet another person down. *sigh* In fact everyone was really nice about it, it's just so frustrating. On Thursday, I get to try breaking it with a different technique - a kick instead of an elbow strike - and if I do that, then I'll get my yellow tag. That's not usually how it works, but they're making a little exception for me since I can clearly do everything else. Besides, this grading was just a little one within the club; at big gradings up in London, you can pass without breaking. So I may have a chance when I do a big grading next Easter. Idk, we'll see. All I can say is that my arms are mightily bruised! I mean, seriously, I've got wheals going on...

I drowned my sorrows by going out with a friend from Sul Ki Do, who was doing a grading in London on Saturday and doesn't think she passed (she didn't break either). Twas a good night, I had a couple of drinks though not as much as I'd been intending to have - we were planning to buy a bottle of limoncello, except by the time we'd got back from training and had showers etc it was gone 11 and everywhere was shut! [And omg, my Safari spellchecker doesn't know what limoncello is...!] The music at the club was awesome - it's gay night on Tuesdays, and the music is always good. Except the other thing I like about gay night is that I don't have to worry about unwanted attention from men - yet this evening, they were all over me! Yeurgh. I think people come at the end of term who don't usually come, which means lots of straight people who just try to dance all over you lol.  Girls just don't do that, you see, which is why I don't worry about unwanted attention from gay girls. These guys are all trying to get hold of me and I'm like, dude, get the hell off me. I'm sure you're a lovely person but I don't want to kiss you. K thx bai.

Therapy today was good. We talked a lot about motivation, which is very important at the moment. We went through the reasons why I'm fed up of ED, and I keep the list at the front of my food monitoring records so I see it multiple times a day, every time I record something. Last week, when I couldn't break the board at Sul Ki Do practice, I got so depressed that I turned to ED behaviours. But this week, I know that I'll get another chance in two days, and I want to make sure I'm up to full strength - that I'm not being held back by weakness from under eating. So I'm gonna do my best to fuel myself up good and proper over the next few days, and hope that the extra strength helps me to break that bloody board on Thursday! After that, I'll have to turn back to what we discussed in therapy to find specific motivation to recover and continue eating normally.

I'm to print off some pictures that represent why I want to recover, and stick them all over my room - because it's much less obvious than having a written list that people might ask about! I think it's a good idea, will get started on that tomorrow.

In the meantime, work work work. I need to use it as a distraction - now that I'll be eating better, I should have more concentration, but also more need to distract myself from the calories. A perfect combo. Let's see how it works out....

Recovery (or not)

So. Recovery. It's not really happening right now.

I've been trying to restrict these last few days, since I started CBT again, but looking back over my sheets I've had quite a few sugary coffees (fruit sugar, but still) that are probably cancelling out my efforts. And if I eat lunch in Hall I have at least some of the dessert, which again, goes against how I'm feeling towards food in general. Isn't it so frustrating when you're trying to restrict, but the few times when you do manage to eat mean that your weight doesn't really change, and you've got nothing to show for your emotional turmoil? I fucking hate it. Let's not beat around bushes here.

I had a dream the other night, just before I woke up, that I got out of bed and tried on my jeans and discovered I had lost loads of weight. Then I woke up, and it wasn't real. What a cruel dream for an ED sufferer to...well, suffer. I genuinely cannot express how much I wish that it had been real, how much relief I would feel if I had lost that much weight. That was a couple of nights ago, but I'm still upset over it.

The funny thing is, when I think about it, this is probably it. Recovery, I mean. I'm not intending to relapse after this course of treatment. You know sometimes you try at recovery, but know in the back of your mind that you don't really mean it? Well, this isn't one of those times. It's scary, so I don't think about it much, but I think this is actually it. Like, actually.

I'm so sick and fucking tired of being ill; I had the word 'ill' even. Partly because I'm physically ill so much of the time, no doubt as a result of how much I'm screwing up my body with the ED. So ill is a word I have to use a lot when describing myself. I hate the term 'ED'. I hate the word 'hospital'. I hate the word 'therapy'. But most of all, I hate being ill, in pretty much every way. This term, on top of depression and dear old ED, I've had a chest cold that lasted a week and a half, a stomach infection that's taken 2 and a half weeks, and I'm sat here right now with a headache that's been with me for a good 4 hours already and won't be shifted by Ibuprofen, caffeine or sugar. My body is fucked and my mind is exhausted. I've forgotten how to do life. How to exist without struggle. I can't even imagine it. My therapist asked me the other day what my feelings were towards being at a higher weight and being free of the ED. "What if being X weight means not having any of this?" (referring to the diagram that explains how my ED works). And I didn't have an answer, because I can't imagine it. I can't imagine being at a higher weight and being anything other than unhappy. In fact, I can't imagine being happy full stop. Even at a lower weight, I still worry and have to exercise extreme control over what I eat in order to maintain that weight; I'm never free of it.

So. This is it. This is recovery. It's not happening properly yet, but I'm doing what I've been asked to do by my therapist in that I'm filling out the bloody sheets, even if I haven't abandoned dieting as she also requested. I'm starting. It's fucking scary, but now that I'm on this road, I will not turn back. I will not.

CBT - Day 2

So, you guys are probably wondering how treatment is going? Thank you so much for your support everyone, it really means so much to me. :')

My therapist and I decided to start with 3 sessions, and see if I can handle it. If not, we'll stop again; otherwise, we'll carry on as before. I'm not sure how we're going to do it, whether we'll start the programme again from the beginning or fastforward through the stuff we did before...wait and see, I guess. We're starting with me just filling out the sheets - I have to write down everything I eat or drink, where it was, whether I feel it's too much, whether I purge or take laxatives, and generally how I'm feeling at the time. It's tough shit. I absolutely hate seeing written down what I've eaten; it just makes me disgusted in myself. There are many things that I now just won't eat, because I'd be too ashamed to see them written down. Which in a way is a good thing; it certainly will stop me from bingeing, but then I don't binge anyway so... hmm. It's more just stopping me from eating stuff, which is not very helpful. I always hate this stage. I even feel bad writing down that I put sugar in my coffee earlier, because I'd rather just forget about it. If I'm left to it, I can actually try to eat quite normally, but not when I'm monitoring myself. Ironic, isn't it?

Later, I'll have to try and follow a set pattern of eating, and make meal plans with my therapist, but for now we're just trying to get a record of exactly what my eating is like atm. So I'm not altering anything. Of course I know that I should be trying not to restrict, but at the same time, I want my therapist to get an accurate picture of the situation, which means trying to carry on as normally as possible. It's just unfortunate that at the moment, normal = restricting. I think I'll be ok once December comes - Christmas has always been a time of year that I sort of insist on keeping to myself; I love Christmas, and ever since I developed an ED, I've fiercely protected my ability to partake in the festivities by eating seasonal foods and generally not worrying about what I'm eating. I refuse to let go of Christmas, I refuse to let ED take away that one time of year that feels so safe and warm. But of course, ED always finds ways of encroaching, and I suspect it will this year. I just find it easier to fight the urges off when I have a solid reason for doing so, you know? I can say "no, it's Christmas, I'll eat what the hell I like. I don't want this season of cheer to be ruined by worrying about my weight". I don't know if this is making any sense at all...

I'm pretty much over the infection now, which is good, but it means I need to knuckle down and get some work done, because I no longer have an excuse for being lazy. I actually found it quite helpful to have a physical illness for a while, because it allowed me to take some space mentally and have a bit of a breather. Oxford work is mentally exhausting, which is not fun when your mind is already vulnerable.

I went to Sul Ki Do the other night, which was good and bad. I managed to master some kicks that I've never been able to do before, so that was awesome. But I failed yet again, despite many attempts, to break the board. (You know in martial arts when people break a piece of wood with their arm? Yeah, it's that. Except we don't use wood, we use boards made out of some poly-plastic thing that can break in half and then slot back together again.) It's so frustrating, and I got inordinately upset about it. Still, I think I know now why I'm not breaking it, even though I'm doing the technique right. I'm still holding back a bit mentally - not because I'm afraid of the pain (my large collection of bruises now proves that I wasn't worrying about pain, lol), but just because I don't believe I can do it. Even though I might feel like I'm really going for it, my mind just doesn't believe that I can get my arm through that board, and it stops me applying full force. In a way I'm not surprised that the reason I can't do it is that I'm not believing in myself. Hm. Still, I'll hopefully get to try again tomorrow, and we'll see if I can conquer myself.

T-1, later

I'm not ready for this. I'm so not ready for this.

My mood has been all over the place recently, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope with CBT. I just wish I had more time!! I don't want to start treatment yet, I want more time...but I don't have it. Finals are in May - I can't stay ill any longer. I can't afford to. I need to be in treatment, but I really REALLY don't want to go in yet.

"As I move my feet towards your body I can hear this beat - it fills my head up and gets louder and louder...There's a drumming noise inside my head that starts when you're around, I'd swear that you could hear it, it makes such an almighty sound."
That's the ED in my head. "Louder than sirens, louder than bells, sweater than heaven and hotter than hell".

Right now I just want to crawl into bed and shut the world out. But I have a French essay to do, and a Russian presentation, and a Russian essay. And vocab to learn. And grammar to practice.

I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to keep my head above the surface right now. Suicide gets more and more appealing, but I know it's not an option, so I try not to think about it. When I do, I realise how trapped I am. I have to stay alive - I don't have any other choice. If suicide was an option, believe me I would take it. But it's not. I can't hurt people. So I'm stuck here. Stuck here with no idea how the hell to survive, to keep moving forward with so much weight dragging me down and so many failures pushing me backwards.

All the plays I auditioned for are on at the moment, getting reviewed in the student papers. And I'm not in them. It sounds like such a stupid thing to get upset about - I didn't get the parts, get the hell over it girl! But it doesn't work like that. I was so looking forward to acting this term, to having multiple plays on the go, acting so much that I barely had time for anything else. And look how things have turned out. I'm not "right" for anything, I'm not good enough for anybody. There's always someone else who's better. I can't even cry about it; every time I come close, all the tears dry up and I get overwhelmed by how wrong everything is. Everything is wrong. Story of my life - I reach the point where things can't get worse, and then they do. Or I reach a point where things are starting to look up, only for them to nose-dive and crash, and wind up even worse than they were to begin with.

I just don't know what the fuck to do any more.

T-1

Going back into ED treatment tomorrow. Deep breaths, stay calm...

I'm already torturing myself this morning trying to guess my weight by trying on jeans, and inevitably not being pleased with the result. I've been restricting for the last couple of days, but I've also come on my period, so the weight gain from that will probably cancel out anything I've lost. So frustrating.

I went to Sul Ki Do yesterday, and I'm sore after that, but I can't bring myself to eat properly to try and help my muscles restore. I'm exhausted, I've just slept through a lecture and I probably won't go to the next one; a combination of getting over the infection and not eating properly has wiped me out completely. And I've got so much work to be doing... But I just can't bring myself to do it. When I think about it, it's like I can't face it. I don't even want to think about it, let alone do it. Managed to get myself to the library yesterday, which was reasonably productive, so I should do the same today and hope for the best.

Dreading tomorrow. But at the same time, I'm itching to get started, to get over this bloody disorder. I can't go on living like this.

T-4

4 days until I go back into ED treatment. And I'm genuinely shitting myself.

So the treatment programme I'm on is CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It requires that you write down everything you eat, together with how you feel at the time. So I'm currently pulled in two directions pre-CBT: 1) Eat all the stuff now that I won't want to write down, the stuff I wouldn't want to admit to and see written (you know what I'm talking about - all the unhealthy crap, the "bad" foods); while at the same time 2) lose as much weight as possible so that when they force me on the scale on Tuesday, I don't burst into tears. Not very compatible, eh?

The stomach infection is making some of the decisions for me, forcing me to eat sometimes because nausea medication doesn't work but eating (occasionally) does. This of course stresses me out something CHRONIC because I absolutely despise not being the one to decide whether I eat or not; being forced into it by an illness is utter shite. I've also done zero work today because of feeling ill, and missed a very useful class for the second time this term, which is so uncool. I'm not at all impressed.

The one good thing is that I'm going to see the new Harry Potter tonight with some good friends, which I'm really looking forward to. I'm gonna be looking out for all my new friends in the background lol! (The friends I made on the nightshoot, I mean.) It should be a very much needed distraction from what a shit day today has been...

Work is piling up, got an essay and three translations to get done this weekend, and Friday already lost down the drain. At least I've been doing a bit of art journalling, which helps, but doesn't improve the situation much! Oh, Oxford. How I love to hate thee.
x

The Pianoforte

So today I'm starting to try and come to terms with having to give up playing the piano, as one of the things on the (long) list of things I'm gonna try and deal with with the help of this book I've been rambling on about.

I used to play and take lessons when I was a kid, and I was pretty good at it. I quit when I was 10 because, well, I'm not too sure now - I think I felt like it was something my parents were forcing me into, so I suppose it was some kind of pre-teen rebellion. Who the hell knows. Anyway, my efforts to take it back up again since I was about 14 have been hampered by my RSI - Repetitive Strain Injury - which I now have in both wrists. It makes playing almost impossible, especially the things I enjoy playing the most, with lots of big stretches and octaves and what have you. It's taken me a long time, but I've had to finally admit that I just can't play any more, and I can't make up for the years I lost when I was younger. I can't reclaim that talent I had, and make something of it. I wish I could, almost more than anything. But I can't - and I need to accept that.

So I've been through the Exploration and Expression, next comes Comfort. Not really sure how I'm going to go about comforting myself for such a big loss that I've been struggling with for so many years, but I'll have to come up with something. I think it will definitely involve watching The Holiday, which is the most feel-good movie ever ;) [Music by Hans Zimmer - what could go wrong?] But the later stage of Perspective will probably play a big role in Comfort too, because I find putting things into perspective very comforting. Anyway. We'll see.
In the mean time, any comfort from other people will be greatly appreciated =)

Take care guys xx

Yet Another Fucking Rejection

Jesus Christ, at this rate I'll never act again. 6th audition, 6th rejection. Time to face up to the fact that I'm just not that good?

And I *really* wanted this one. It was for Troilus & Cressida, an obscure Shakespeare play about war between the Greeks and Trojans - sounds dull, I know, but I actually like it. I thought it would go well with doing Chekhov in Russian next term - a bit of Shakespeare to round off the thespian repertoire, lol. But evidently not.

So yes, I will be in a Russian reading of the Seagull, and this is highly cool. But it's not much compensation because a) I got the part because I'm a willing Russian-speaker, not because I'm a good actor, and b) it's only a reading, not a proper production. Not the same at all.

The audition for T&C was really hard, so on reflection it's hardly surprising they didn't want me. I just wasn't able to pull off that character, very confident and a skilful politician apparently. I had to do the same monologue 3 times, each time in a different way, which is never easy, and then trying to appear confident at the same time... yeah, I wasn't so much able to do that.

Time for me to go listen to some Hans Zimmer. Everyone says not to be discouraged, but how the hell am I supposed to carry on going to auditions when EVERY SINGLE ONE I've done this term has been "thanks for auditioning, we were very impressed but unfortunately we're not able to use you"? See, many people have told me I'm a good actor, and I used to take their word for it (kind of), but now I'm wondering whether they weren't just being nice.

This sucks.

The Emotional Healing Strategy

So this is the book I'm gonna be working with for the next coupla weeks, to start to try and move on from a lot of things that I feel are still holding me back emotionally. I mean, there are plenty of recent things I haven't got over yet, but plenty in the past too, going back to when I was 14.

I started today with a little hurt, as the book suggests - I chose to use my rejection from "Sophie Scholl", a play I really wanted to be in. The auditions were at the beginning of term, and I got a call-back, and even though it was very close, in the end I didn't get the part I wanted. A minor set-back, yes, but that's the idea: you start with something small, practice the Strategy, and then apply it to something bigger.

So the first step is Exploration: you try to remember as much as you can about what actually happened. I went out today and bought myself a special notebook for these things, and started writing out exactly what went on. Turns out, it's hardly a surprise I was so upset by getting rejected! Like, I hadn't really understood why it was getting to me so much, but when I sat down and wrote out exactly what happened, it became kind of obvious. I saw the advert on the OUDS website during the summer, and kind of started thinking about it and almost looking forward to it before I'd even done an audition; I was in a play last term and pretty much walked into a lead role, so I had kinda forgotten about the competitiveness of auditions. Also, I didn't feel that I did as well as I could have in the auditions, because my concentration wasn't all there; I was just having a bit of a bad day and I know I could've done better. So I'm annoyed at my Depression for impinging on my concentration and damaging my chances of getting the part.

OK, I'm getting slightly ahead of myself here, into the next stage - Expression. I'll have that to do later in detail. Then Comfort, then Compensation, then Perspective. For larger hurts there are two extra stages - Channelling and Forgiveness. I'm not sure I'll really need those for this, but for some of the other things I'm gonna deal with, I probably will.
I'll keep you posted on how it's going.

Another day off today because of being ill, which sucks - but it's not long now til the ECG and the results of the blood tests. A friend came over briefly just now to see me on her dinner break, and I'm meeting another friend for coffee in the morning, so I'm not completely shut off from the world. This is GOOD. Times like these, I need all the companionship I can get.

Many many doctors

Omg, I have had the most medical day ever! 3 hospital appointments in the morning, then down to the GP in the afternoon.

So I saw my therapist this morning, and we agreed I'm not ready to go back on ED treatment just yet. Maybe in a coupla weeks though, we'll see. We talked about how I need to be kinder to myself, especially when it comes to rejections, of which I have had many this term, be it plays or competitions. I've realised it is actually pretty hypocritical, to believe that every human being deserves kindness and compassion, and then not include myself in that number! I'm not setting much of an example, really, if I leave myself out of the general kindness I try to practice. 

I've got this book called The Emotional Healing Strategy (Gail Lindenfield) - check it out if you're interested - which I think I'm gonna work through, and discuss with my therapist as I go. It's basically a sort of programme with various steps that you take to try and move on from emotional hurt, big or small, and I thought it sounded like something I could do with. There's still a lot in my past that I haven't fully moved on from yet, even though I've talked about it with my therapist.

Then I saw one of the researchers, who asked me loads of questions about my eating habits and how I feel about my weight/shape etc. It's always the same questions every time so I should be used to it by now, but I always find it difficult. What really gets me is that you have to fill in this questionnaire before you go, and then do an interview where they ask you literally all the same questions. Like, why can't you just fill in the questionnaire and be done with it? She also took my weight, for research reasons, but I faced the other way for my own sanity's sake. I haven't weight myself in a good coupla months, and I know that if I knew my weight it would only upset me.

Then on to the psychiatrist, which was a slightly pointless appointment as we're not changing my medication yet. Partly because I'm ill, and partly because they don't see any real need to change it atm. Um, what about the fact that they don't work?? I don't understand the medical profession sometimes.

Went to the GP this afternoon about being ill, and he isn't sure what it is; probably an infection, but he's not sure where it's originating. It was quite funny actually when he was examining my neck, stomach etc, because I was visiting my medic friends a coupla weeks ago and they were practicing a lot of the same exams on me. And it really struck me, after seeing my medic friends having to learn all this stuff, that it's a hell of a lot of things a doctor has to remember to ask you when they're trying to analyse your symptoms. I mean seriously, he wrote two notecards with details of what I was/wasn't experiencing - and every point was something he had to remember to ask me! Crazy.

I've managed to do an essay plan for my tutorial tomorrow, which is good. I just hope this bloody infection goes away soon, cos I cannot afford to be ill right now. But then, emotionally I'm quite numb, so I don't really give a damn about all the work that I'm not doing xD Psychiatrists always seem concerned by numbness, but as far as I'm concerned, compared to depression it's a miracle gift!

Alright, but scared.

More fireworks tonight, which is fun - I've watched two shows out of my window. :) I <3 living on the top floor at times like this!

Had a pretty good day today, actually, though still a bit ill. Not really able to concentrate, which given that I have two essays to be writing, is not good at all. Oxford doesn't leave you time to be ill! I was in the library with my friend for most of the day, interspersed with expeditions to Hall and to Boots/GAP/Zara for shopping breaks hehe. Also did an audition for Troilus & Cressida, which I think went ok but you can never know really. I need not to think about it! I've had many rejections this term, which is part of the reason why my eating has been so bad - I feel shit when I get rejected from plays, and I don't know how else to feel good about myself again other than losing weight. Ah, gotta love the ED logic. (NOT.) I know that none of the rejections were based on my being a shit actor, it was just down to being exactly right for the part and all that jazz; but still, it's not nice, and I can't help feeling that I should be able to make myself right for any part - I mean, that's what acting is, isn't it? Whatever, I can't trust my own logic at the moment.  That's the other joy of having depression/ED - not being able to trust your own mind. 'Frustrating' doesn't even cover it.

And, ok, there's something that's really freaked me out the last couple of days. As I say, my eating hasn't been great recently, and yesterday was one of the first days in a while that I actually ate properly (because of feeling really ill). And I found myself experiencing the urge to keep eating even after I was full and didn't want any more. Yes, by that I mean the urge to binge. Fairly standard for someone with an ED, right? Wrong, for me anyway. I have never binged, it's just not what my ED is like, and I've never experienced the impulse to before. I didn't act on it, luckily, but I'm pretty freaked just by the urge. Because I had NEVER felt that before, and I didn't understand it. There are probably physiological explanations - I mean, when I first started at the hospital, I was warned that most people with restrictive eating disorders end up binge-eating eventually because there comes a point where your body takes over and *forces* you to eat. But why now, of all times? I'm not very underweight, my eating hasn't been atrocious.
So what the hell is going on?

Happy Bonfire Night!

As I type these first words of my blog, I can see fireworks bursting and glittering over the 14th-Century rooftops.
"Remember, remember the 5th of November - gunpowder, treason and plot." Sounds like a good recipe for fun! Probably my favourite holiday after Christmas, this is.

Yes folks, it's Guy Fawkes here in Oxford - and I'm ill. Typical! Loathe though I am to start my blog on a negative note, this is going to be a place for honesty, so I might as well start as I mean to continue. For the last few weeks I keep getting flushes of feeling really ill, which last for about half an hour/an hour, and then go away, only to return a few days later. Now this might be related to my eating disorder, but I'm actually eating pretty well at the moment, so I suspect not. Besides, I'm not horribly underweight, and when I was I didn't feel like this. The college nurse suspects I might have anaemia, so I'm off for a blood-test on Tuesday. I started to feel ill this morning, and unlike usual, it hasn't passed, so I've spent most of the afternoon in bed. To be fair, I do quite like my bed, and I had some pretty awesome daydreams while I was at it. :)

I'm currently chatting on Skype and looking at Steampunk art. (If you don't know what Steampunk is, go educate yourself. It's a-w-e-s-o-m-e.) Omg, I've just had to add 'Steampunk' to my Mac's dictionary - cannot believe it wasn't in there automatically! Mind you, I also had to add 'omg', so...
I'm having to miss the fireworks tonight, which is highly upsetting, but hopefully I'll be able to go tomorrow. It's cocktails in the MCR tonight (MCR = one step above the JCR, the Junior Common Room in college), which I think I'll go to briefly just to say high to everyone and show my slightly pale face in public.

On another random note, had my first Eggnog latte of the season today - it's officially started! Met up with my friend from school who is now a graduate fresher, and we had a good whine about how much work Oxford is, and how the Bodleian is not what it's cracked up to be. They say it has a copy of every book ever published - what they fail to specify is, that means every book published *in the UK*. And that one copy you have to read in the library, you're not allowed to take it anywhere. What a rip-off! Apparently they're now keeping a load of books in an old salt mine in Cheshire, search me why... Maybe they figure that salt is a good preservative for food, and might work on books too?

Ok, I'm rambling. This is the danger of me going near a keyboard. I shall sign off. Catchya later folks!
Lise x