OK this is one of those times when I just need to blog, to write, and I'm not sure where it'll go or what I'll say but I just feel suddenly crap and I don't know what else to do with myself.

I just read an article about Helen Mirren and the 'date rape isn't really rape' fiasco, which has obviously made me very angry. I should just stop reading the news haha, stupid people make me cross! Well, it's not even stupidity, that's the thing - it's attitudes that I know are working against me every second of every day. Every time people bring up the subject of when rape isn't rape (as though that's a category anything could fall into), it exacerbates this feeling I have of wanting to hide under a duvet on the sofa and never let anybody see me.

Going out I often feel really "looked at", if it's the summer like it is now and I'm out and about in shorts or something, I walk along the main road hoping nobody honks and worrying until I get onto a footpath. If I notice anyone male looking at me I try to get out of the way as quickly as I can. I touched on this in the body positivity post I did the other week. But any mention of people's attitudes towards rape just....gah. It makes me scared to show myself anywhere in public, for fear of being open to someone taking advantage, even just having to push off probably harmless but leery drunk people makes me cringe. And feel like it's my responsibility, because if I look nice deliberately, then so many people will blame me for anything that happens, which means I can't look nice without panicking. I'm so terrified of something happening, of even being at a house party or a dinner with people I think I trust and then alcohol happening and everything going wrong...it makes me too scared to drink, and for some reason today, too scared to even go out. Seriously I don't know what's up but I suddenly feel like I want to hide, my mood has plummeted (doesn't help I'm tired and woke up in a bit of a mood), I honestly don't know what to do. I wanted to go out and get something from the shops but now I find myself just sitting here feeling shite and not knowing what to do or how to proceed with anything. What? I don't understand.
Somebody please fix the world and slip me a note through my door so I know. Thanks. x

Let's Talk Bodies! Bodies Bodies Bodies

Inspired by a post by the wonderful Tracey http://justas1am.blogspot.co.uk/ , I decided to follow her lead and do a bit of body blogging. I am much more comfortable with my body than I used to be, and I've made huge strides in eating disorder recovery - and the classic ED paradox of constantly looking at your body, yet never actually managing to see it, because your vision is too full of all the pain and the hurt you're channeling onto your poor old body.

Straight up, life is much better now than is had been for longer than I like to think about, so on a very simple level there's less for me to be dumping on my body and blaming it for. And yet...

The negatives. Let's just say it and be done with it.

LEGS. My legs have been the rather unwilling object of a lot of my perfectionism. They're never thin enough, and I hate the thigh wobble with a passion. I also have a bit of a hang-up about whether or not they touch at the top, how close together I can get my feet before they do, etc - which I know is textbook ED.

HIPS. They're just. so. wide. That's it.

TUMMY. Oh, my poor little tummy. Never flat enough, never small enough. I'm technically ok with it not being flat (there's a womb in there, for fuck sake), but whenever the "flab" sticks out over jeans etc I just want to hide it. And I haven't even got flab, what is wrong with me?!

BUM. Bottom, arse, derriere, glutimus maximus - whatever you call it, everyone I know thinks their is either too flat or too big. This might sound weird but I actually hate the fact that mine is what many would consider ideal. This comes down to being sexy, and the fact that even the thought of it makes me squirm. Obsession with thinness is directly related to this, because thin = good without necessarily =ing sexy. Of course I want to look good, but sexy? Not in a million years. I am incredibly uncomfortable with guys looking at me in a sexual way, but let's face it they're going to whatever you look like! Thanks, instinct. You got my back. NOT.

ARMS. What is it with upper arms? Every photo of me, that's what I look at. -_- I still do that thing, when I'm sat on my bed and I catch myself in the mirror, of resting on my knees because it makes my arms look thinner. Wtf.

FACE. It's lush that I don't think I'm butt-ugly any more, but it's the sexy thing again. Not gonna lie, when I get dressed up and go to a restaurant or whatever, I notice heads turning. And I fucking hate it. I will literally do everything I can to avoid getting up and going anywhere (toilet/outside to answer my phone/etc) because I don't want to walk back in again and be aware of eyes on me. Esdhfljwef *shudder*

Right, that's that done. Now then.
Positives

My body works. It does almost all of the things it's supposed to - ok, my wrists might not really work (RSI, sigh), but they're not totally unusable. I'm sitting here typing, right?

I'm not physically disabled or disfigured. When I say that I'm grateful for this, I don't mean that those who are disabled or disfigured automatically and necessarily have a lower quality of life, because that's clearly BS. But it does make everything so much easier because the whole world is accessible to me, and when I'm travelling I don't have to worry about it. Also as an actor, not being facially/visually disfigured is bloody useful - it shouldn't be, but there it is.

OK, so my thighs wobble. That's because when you shake something, it wobbles. This is not cosmetics, this is basic physics. Ditto for when you sit down - yes, your thighs might suddenly look twice as wide. But hello, that's because they're half as thick. The shape has changed. The amount of fat on them has not.

And while we're talking about wide limbs, let's give a nod to the upper arms. When you hug someone, are they thinking 'gosh I think this person's upper arms are looking 2mm wider than they did before'? No - they're thinking 'mmmmmm hugs :)'.

And as for sexy, well. I might not like the attention, but if anyone dares to act on it without my consent I will sul ki do their ass until they want to crawl back into their mother's womb. And you know what? One of these days I'm gonna fall in love with somebody, and then I shall embark on a meticulously planned campaign of seduction that renders them totally incapable of looking at anyone else without thinking of me. And y'know, if I ever have my heart broken, I've got everything I need to inflict crippling jealousy in the most immature, throwing-toys-out-of-the-pram way possible. So there.

No matter how much I may dislike my body, no matter how much I may use it as a scapegoat for all the other crap going on in my life (if I only lose weight everything will be better! =D ... what? O.o), it does so much that I take for granted. And being able to take a good, well-functioning body for granted is a privilege that I intend to start honouring.

BOOM.
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You really want to leave me a comment with your body loves and hates. Yyyyeah you do. x