Funny week of anniversaries.
On Saturday, it was the birthday of one of my new Bath friends who I know through theatricals and love to bits. It was also Kal's birthday. As some of you already know, I used to make videos for the YouTube channel SelfHarmSupport, and Kal was another of the hosts. She started making videos in full headscarves so her face wasn't visible at all, and over time out came her eyes, and then her face, and then she was only wearing hats or bandanas. I like to think she became comfortable within the YT community; I still don't know what she used to wear the rest of the time. She was a medical student, lived in Germany and had English as a second language, not that you would know from the way she spoke it! She did a bit of translating for money but she never enjoyed it, which I always found funny because, obvs, translation is my thang.
There were others on the channel who were much closer to her than I was. So when, after a while, she had been absent and nobody quite knew what had happened, I kind of assumed other people would know. And that's the worst thing, I suppose, because nobody does.
It's something we barely talk about, and when we do, everyone is always very careful what they say. But on Saturday I realised just how long it has been, and the reality of what probably happened is hitting home. Hard.
The fact is, pretty much all of the suicide risk boxes were ticked; she had told someone she was doing better the last time they spoke, but then, so was I when I overdosed. We may never know if there was another reason for her to suddenly disappear and cut all ties with us, the people we had reason to believe she was closest to. But tragically, if she were to commit suicide, this is exactly what would happen. Nobody would tell us because nobody 'in real life' would know that there were people on the internet waiting to be told.
I don't want to believe that that's what happened. But when Facebook helpfully reminded me it was her birthday on Saturday, I had to face up to just how long it's been. Well over two years. I'm still afraid to say it in case someone accuses me of being negative, or unreasonable, but that's the thought that hit me and all I can do is be honest about it.
In the evening, my Bath friend was having a party at the Gourmet Burger Kitchen, and it was a fun night. Except that I kept remembering about Kal, and it was like a weight coming down. I tried to use it as an impulse to appreciate everyone who was there that little bit more - if any of these guys hadn't made it to their last birthdays, it would be devastating, but they did. Here they are. That's something to celebrate. Even so, that was difficult to balance with the sadness.
I don't know what to think, or believe, or feel. The worst part isn't the prospect of never seeing her again, because there are many people I have loved who I know I'll never see again, whether or not death is involved. If I knew that she was happy somewhere, that would be enough. But we don't know. And that's fucking hard.
Just to make the week even better, I realised that some point this week it will have been 2 years since my suicide attempt. I don't know how I feel about that either. Oh yeah, and I have a massive exam tomorrow. I'm writing this in the hope that getting it out of my system might allow me to concentrate, because I've been finding that hard this week.
I'm not saying she's dead. But I'm not saying anything else either. I'm saying that we don't know, and that I feel like I'm in some kind of emotional limbo until we do - which might never happen. Whatever it is, I want to take a moment to remember Kal exactly as she was, whoever and wherever she is today.
Love you, darling firebird.
x
On Saturday, it was the birthday of one of my new Bath friends who I know through theatricals and love to bits. It was also Kal's birthday. As some of you already know, I used to make videos for the YouTube channel SelfHarmSupport, and Kal was another of the hosts. She started making videos in full headscarves so her face wasn't visible at all, and over time out came her eyes, and then her face, and then she was only wearing hats or bandanas. I like to think she became comfortable within the YT community; I still don't know what she used to wear the rest of the time. She was a medical student, lived in Germany and had English as a second language, not that you would know from the way she spoke it! She did a bit of translating for money but she never enjoyed it, which I always found funny because, obvs, translation is my thang.
There were others on the channel who were much closer to her than I was. So when, after a while, she had been absent and nobody quite knew what had happened, I kind of assumed other people would know. And that's the worst thing, I suppose, because nobody does.
It's something we barely talk about, and when we do, everyone is always very careful what they say. But on Saturday I realised just how long it has been, and the reality of what probably happened is hitting home. Hard.
The fact is, pretty much all of the suicide risk boxes were ticked; she had told someone she was doing better the last time they spoke, but then, so was I when I overdosed. We may never know if there was another reason for her to suddenly disappear and cut all ties with us, the people we had reason to believe she was closest to. But tragically, if she were to commit suicide, this is exactly what would happen. Nobody would tell us because nobody 'in real life' would know that there were people on the internet waiting to be told.
I don't want to believe that that's what happened. But when Facebook helpfully reminded me it was her birthday on Saturday, I had to face up to just how long it's been. Well over two years. I'm still afraid to say it in case someone accuses me of being negative, or unreasonable, but that's the thought that hit me and all I can do is be honest about it.
In the evening, my Bath friend was having a party at the Gourmet Burger Kitchen, and it was a fun night. Except that I kept remembering about Kal, and it was like a weight coming down. I tried to use it as an impulse to appreciate everyone who was there that little bit more - if any of these guys hadn't made it to their last birthdays, it would be devastating, but they did. Here they are. That's something to celebrate. Even so, that was difficult to balance with the sadness.
I don't know what to think, or believe, or feel. The worst part isn't the prospect of never seeing her again, because there are many people I have loved who I know I'll never see again, whether or not death is involved. If I knew that she was happy somewhere, that would be enough. But we don't know. And that's fucking hard.
Just to make the week even better, I realised that some point this week it will have been 2 years since my suicide attempt. I don't know how I feel about that either. Oh yeah, and I have a massive exam tomorrow. I'm writing this in the hope that getting it out of my system might allow me to concentrate, because I've been finding that hard this week.
I'm not saying she's dead. But I'm not saying anything else either. I'm saying that we don't know, and that I feel like I'm in some kind of emotional limbo until we do - which might never happen. Whatever it is, I want to take a moment to remember Kal exactly as she was, whoever and wherever she is today.
Love you, darling firebird.
x
