A Mixed Day

So, today has been mixed. Some good things, some bad things.

Obviously the biggest was the Russian Seagull reading this afternoon, which we've been practising for since last term, and finally performed today. It went pretty well, actually; there were a few fudge ups, but that's to be expected, and we did get some laughs in the right places! There was no gunshot at the end, haha, because we'd never rehearsed in the room we performed in, and the cue (for the gunshot) wasn't audible to the person supposed to be doing it... Oh well, everybody knew what was supposed to happen, so it was ok. And we got quite a lot of applause!

The only thing that made me nervous was knowing that the director of the English Seagull, which I auditioned for, was there in the audience - performing again in front of the person who didn't cast you is, let me tell you, not very fun. But it was alright.

The not so good things today included getting back a bad translation (lowest mark in my class, I managed to ascertain through nosiness lol) - although it could have been a lot worse. I knew there were some things I didn't understand, but I hadn't appreciated how much they would bring my mark down. Also, I got a rejection from an audition I did last week - although, to be fair, I was kind of expecting that. It's just kind of sucky, you know? Poo.

Anyway, life goes on, as ever.

I had an appointment yesterday where my therapist told me that w'ere nearing the end of the period where I go every week, and rapidly approaching the time when I'm just left to it for a while. I totally wasn't expecting that. I suppose it didn't help that I didn't know there'd be a period where I was just left to it for ages; I thought you kept going regularly until you felt something like recovered. Apparently not. They give you all the tools you need, then you have to go and use it for weeks and months and then change happens. So that's terrifying. I've only got about 3/4 sessions left, then that's it for ages. I will still be seeing the psychiatrists, who continue to fiddle with my medication, but that's not really therapy per se. It's nice to know I'll still be seeing someone, but it's so so very scary to be thinking I won't be having any actual kind of therapy. But then, I knew recovery would be down to me, I just didn't realise how much that would be the case...

Onwards. And, hopefully, upwards...

Not the best morning ever

Hey guys

Kind of feeling the need to blog right now; it's not been a great day so far. :( I slept in really late - didn't get up until 11:20, having gone to bed past midnight because of Sul Ki Do. And what did I wake up to? A shit dream about arguing with my family and crying over ED. Lovely. A morning wasted and begun with an upset mood.

And what makes it even worse? I open the curtains and the sky is completely overcast. Ok, that sounds like an overreaction to bad weather, but let me explain.

In Russia, we went for 3 months without seeing the sun in the sky because it was literally overcast nonstop for 12 weeks. And not even 'cloudy' skies - we're talking solid grey, no shape, no sense of depth or space, just a big lid on the world. No sun, no moon, no stars. You know how you feel a bit down when the weather's bad? Well, try to imagine that but x 3 months. I can't even explain how awful it was. I got really claustrophobic in the small classroom we had, started having panic attacks every time I went in there (and I'd never had panic attacks before in my life), most probably because going outside didn't feel like going outside. When there's no light in the sky, it feels like you're living underground. It was horrific.

So now whenever I see a sky like that - and luckily, it's not very often in this country - it reminds me of that time. Now, that wasn't the only problem I had at the point obviously, but it sure as hell didn't help. Sometimes when you're depressed, a bit of sunshine is just the thing to lift your mood. Ha. So all in all, one of the lower points of my life. Hence why any reminder of it now is guaranteed to set me back a little. And that's what I wake up to this morning, on top of a morning disappeared down the drain thanks to oversleeping, and a shit dream just before waking! Yey! >:(

Sigh.

It seems I need my chips

Hey all.

So, stuff has happened since New Years. I went away to Wales to stay with family for 5 days last week, and it was...ok, I guess. I mean, I love seeing my family, but food was super hard. Have you ever tried following a weight gain programme in a household full of people who don't bother with lunch and snack on celery? Don't get me wrong, they're perfectly healthy; they're just older and less active and don't need as much food as I'm supposed to be packing away. I had to resort to going off to the bedroom on my own to sit there and eat chocolate. Yuck.

But I managed it, I pretty much followed the programme. With a lot of difficulty and upset, but I managed it. And guess what? My weight has not changed, not even by 0.1kg. This is rather strange, because that's the 3rd week it's been at this exact same weight - strange for two reasons. 1) Even when weight stays the same, it fluctuates up and down a little, so it's very unusual to get the exact same reading 3 weeks in a row. 2) Why am I not gaining weight??

Our hypothesis is that I'm one of those people who just needs to eat more than you think in order to maintain a healthy weight, which came as a bit of a shock to me I have to say. I mean, I've spent so long trying to keep my weight low, I assumed that my metabolism/food needs must be the same as everyone else's. I'm "one of those people who needs to eat their chips" as my therapist put it, lol. Otherwise, how come I've been on what for most people would be a weight gain diet, and not gained any weight?

We're going to stick with the same meal plan for now, but just be aware that I'm currently eating the minimum I need. My appetite will probably increase when I'm doing Sul Ki Do again, because that's 3 sessions a week, 2 hours a session, of very intense exercise. So, we'll see how it goes. I'm still technically on the weight gain diet, it's just that we're not bothering to focus on weight gain any more. Maybe when I'm exercising, I'll be able to eat bigger portions and my weight will start to go up towards where it needs to be.

In other news, I'm drinking whole milk. WHOLE MILK. And eating FULL FAT CREAM CHEESE. These are things I never thought I'd be able to do, ever. But if I'm going to maintain this weight, it's what I need to do.

Go me!

It's 2011, dudes

Happy New Year!

I spent the night at the pub where one of my close friends lives, at the party they hold every year. I got quite tipsy lol!

It was a mixed nights, quite full of ups and downs. The ups mainly involved drunken giggling and grooving to the music, although the DJ was a bit shit so we relied on good songs being requested xD I think I requested about 10!

And I've decided, my theme song for 2011 is going to be Firework by Katy Perry :) Just so you know. It's about generally being awesome and letting all your best qualities show, which I think is what I need to try and do this year!

The downs mainly involved getting over-emotional, probably due to the alcohol; I was quite close to tears for a lot of the night, and once we were in bed I cried for about half an hour. Plus it didn't help that at the beginning, I was the only one from our group of friends - so of course, my friend who lives at the pub knew everyone there, and I knew no-one! That wasn't cool. Luckily my best friend from home showed up and stayed for about an hour, we had a good gossip and a bit of a boogey.

Also, it was fancy dress, and I WENT AS A PIRATE. It was a damn good costume too, if I do say so myself. I had the boots, the frilly shirt, the bandana, the gold earring, the gold tooth even, the hat, the sword, the pistol, the bracelet made out of seashells. I don't have any full-length photos, but here's a little taster:

It was quite difficult to get that photo haha, something of a battle of the hats - every time we got our heads close together, the hats would push each other off our heads! Lolz.

Sooo, how were your New Years? Tell me all!

x