Perspective

Perspective. I feel I'm in need of some at the moment. I'm getting really stressed out over a class I teach on Saturdays - have one this afternoon - a drama class with the students aged 11-13. I didn't want to do it, but was kind of forced into it because there was nobody else and the guy who runs the school was all like "please can you help us" "everything's going wrong, why is life so difficult sometimes" etc etc. Laying it on thick, in other words. So what was I supposed to do? And anyway, he somehow convinced me that 11-year-olds aren't really children any more, so it would be fine (he knew I didn't want to teach any children's classes, as I had tried one when I first arrived and had to put my foot down straight away not to do any more. What was I thinking? Of course 11-year-olds are children.

Guys, I absolutely hate it. Seriously I hate it. These kids have practically no English whatsoever, which severely limits what I can do with them because most activities you could do with kids that age, they just don't understand. I can't really get them to do speaking activities, because they aren't ready for it linguistically, added to which they are, for the most part, painfully shy and never want to do anything. Just getting them to do an activity is a feat of persuasion. Getting them to understand and do it right is even harder. Just, omg. I hate it. I. Hate. It.

Every week I dread it, I can sort of feel it approaching and I don't want to think about it. I have an adult class beforehand which is overshadowed by the prospect of this kids' class. In a way I feel like I want to just take all the years' classes at once, to get them over with and not have to face them any more. Kind of like exams, you know? You reach a point where you just want to get in there and get it over with.

There's nobody else I can fob it off on, there's no getting out of it. The whole reason I'm doing it is precisely because there is nobody else. So I can't pull out. I don't understand how I'm supposed to maintain this for the entire year. :'(

And yet, really, I *need* to try and keep it in perspective. So there's 1 hour a week of my job that I absolutely despise. If I compare myself to the rest of the population, as a general rule, I'm getting off pretty lightly right? I mean how many people are there doing 9-5 jobs every single day that they hate every hour of? I don't understand how they do it, I really don't.

I suppose what's getting to me isn't just that I don't enjoy it, it's that it makes me feel inadequate. I don't know what to do with these kids, I don't know how to teach them. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know what level I want them to achieve, or what they should be able to do at that age. I just feel shit. Bit of a sore spot, as I'm sure you're all aware. It's upsetting, and it's triggering. It really *really* makes me want to turn back to my eating disorder, because that was always a fairly sure-fire way of distracting myself from feeling shit at other things. Knowing that I was losing weight was somehow a cushion that made other things a little more bearable, and took the focus off them.

So no matter how much perspective I try to gain, it still doesn't seem to change the fact that this 1 bloody hour a week is sticking its finger into some very old wounds that haven't healed yet. And I don't know how to deal with that. How do people handle jobs they hate? I do not understand. Maybe it's because the conclusion they draw from having to do it is not that they must be rubbish. Which is my conclusion. And I can't see how I could draw any other conclusion; I just don't know how to work with children. And they are children, no matter what the boss might say.

The further complication is that he is directing the play I'm in at the moment, and he gave me my role. I don't want to piss him off because I don't want to make rehearsals awkward. I just want him to like me, you know? Silly really. Even though I'm actually annoyed at him for pushing me into teaching this class that I don't want to do. And I'm still annoyed at him for lying to me about how much the drama school pays, which is petty but it's the fact he lied that gets to me. Like he was trying to lure me in or something. Like, dude, there's no need for deceit here. Seriously. It's just going to make me cross with you. And god knows I've been messed around by enough people already over the last few months. >:(

Not entirely sure what the point of this post is. Suppose I just feel the need to explain myself.

OMG, FY

еThis post will hopefully go some way towards balancing out the last post and all its misery.

I met Martin (director/drama school guy) today to have a look at a play; someone else I know, one of my students, said he was going too, so it was going to be an audition of sorts. Audition usually freak the shit out of me but I know Martin and I knew it wasn't going to be me doing a monologue in front of a panel or anything! So, went along.

When I got there, Martin basically told me that he wasn't bothering to audition me, because he'd already cast me in the lead.

Yes, you did read that correctly.

Martin basically told me that he wasn't bothering to audition me, because he'd already cast me in the lead.

=O

As a result: I'M IN A PLAY I'M IN A PLAY I'M IN A PLAY!!!

It's a fucking awesome character as well. I AM SO STOKED I DON'T KNOW IF I WILL SLEEP TONIGHT.

We're doing Harold Pinter's The Dumb Waiter, but with a few twists. There are only 2 characters in the script, two assassins, one of whom has to kill the other at the end. The one who gets killed is going to be played by several different people, who will switch every time there is a 'silence' in the script. The idea is that the other guy, who kills him, is seeing the last 11 people he's murdered, in a kind of going insane way. That's who I'm playing. A crazy, hallucinating assassin. I mean come on, does it get much more fun than that? I always like playing characters who are a bit mad anyway, so this is like, perfect. :)

The most hilarious thing is the reason why I got the lead role with no audition. When I first got to Moscow, I had agreed that I would do a monologue at the English Club partly run by Martin - but had no time to prepare and had to read off the paper, which is always shit. Last week, I was asked to do another one, and this time was able to learn it, rehearse it a bit, etc. Even so, when the performance came, the odds of success were stacked against me. I was performing it in a sports bar with a football match on in the background because they wouldn't turn the TVs or their loudspeakers off, which is off-putting enough as it is, added to which I didn't have the theatre luxury of the audience being invisible in the dark. I could see every single face staring up at me, concentrating on me, watching me. Given I have horrific stage fright, this was not cool. It was an extremely emotional monologue, basically a suicide note, but with so many distractions I just didn't feel I made the connection with the character at all, and was kinda embarrassed that Martin had even seen it.

Turns out, it was that monologue that got me this part. That's why he didn't audition me. I keep learning over and over again that you can never judge how well your own performance went, but always forget it - so here I am, learning it again! Seriously, I genuinely thought it was one of the worst performances I'd ever done. It would seem not everyone thought it was as bad as I did!

Huzzah!

FML

This post is somewhat without reason, I just need to do a bit of a brain-dump of all the things I'm trying to deal with right now.

Depression is always there.
ED is always there.
I've been ill almost this whole week, which a) was shit in itself, and b) cost me well over £500 because I don't get sick leave.
I found out the other day that a childhood friend has been very ill with depression and PTSD. She's not a close friend, but still. Hard news to take.
My flatmate is coming back tomorrow with her now husband, who I don't know. Stranger moving in, yey!
I lost one of my jobs this week.
I also realised that when I get a new visa in November, I can't just get another one like I've already got. I need a work visa, not a business visa. I have no idea how to go about getting one, let alone if the paperwork will come through in time. It will also mean paying up to 40% taxes out of my MA fund.
Getting my current visa was one of the most stressful times of my life. And now I get to go through it all over again. It's going to be both uncertain and expensive, costing money I didn't have back then and I still don't have now.
I'm teaching my worst class today, 11 and 12-year-olds who speak no English and don't want to do drama. There are going to be 6 of them, more than I've ever had before.
And the cherry on the cake?
I just got a text informing me that the 6th child, the newbie, will be bringing his father along because it'll be a test lesson. His father is a cameraman and is going to film it. FILM IT.

Fuck my life. I'm not even kidding. Fuck my life.