Friendships slipping away, closeness getting looser and looser until it's not there any more, shared experiences suddenly not appearing to mean anything.
I have never found a way of dealing with the pain of friendships slowly fading, and I certainly haven't found a way of dealing with what's upsetting me right now, which is the failure of what I thought was a solid bond. And it failed because, well, of me. Not entirely, but chiefly. I won't name any names here but a friend who I hold very dear I think saw the bad side of me, the me I am when I'm upset or anxious or just being a bit stupid, and it went on for a while so that I think it came across as 'the real me'. She was supposedly getting to know the real me, except I wasn't me. And nothing has gone wrong, exactly, which makes it worse - there's nothing I said or did which in itself I can apologise for. I just know that I wasn't great company, that I was quite selfish about some things, and now when we talk it's awkward.
I cannot express how much that hurts. I know I shouldn't worry, but I do, because it's fucking miserable.
Totally know what you mean, it's hard when people seem to be drifting off in opposite directions. I think keeping up the contact is one of the best things to maintain good friendships. Even if it's just coffee once a week, just seeing each other frequently will mean more stuff in common and i'm sure you'll notice a diff and feel closer with your friend.
ReplyDeleteit sounds really hurtful the way you write about it. as for me, before my eating disorder, I used to be much more social. now I get anxious very easily and tend to pull back all the time. honestly, it simply sucks. Often I feel like people only get to see half of who I actually am, the other half is the face of my eating disorder. maybe that's a bit how you describe it. i so want to break free from it but it's freaking hard. love xx
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