I have been trying, and failing, to do some freewriting every day as a sanity protector - what normally stops me is that I don't have time. Or that I do have time but am so busy thinking about other things that I forget. It has been useful, when I have done it, but at the same time it means this blog has been somewhat neglected. It's been 2 months to the day since I last wrote.
A lot has been happening. I will try not to make this rambling, but I always do and it never works! Oh dear...
I've been under a lot of stress because of work and money. Ever since my original, amazing, perfect job fell through in the summer, I've felt under pressure to make the money situation come together. That is even more true now that I have decided to go to drama school.
Yes, I've decided to go to drama school. It's going to cost buckets of money, which I don't have and won't manage to raise in time so it'll have to be loans loans and more loans - but you know what? I don't give a fuck. I'm doing it. Because I want to. Because it's about time I took control back over my life and started doing what I *want* and what I *enjoy*, because I'm the only person who can make that happen.
That said, I am now very pressed for time because I need to amass as much money as possible before I leave Russia. It may even be profitable to go home earlier than planned and get a part-time job, because even on minimum wage in the UK, at least I can predict work. Here, you can't. There are no contracts, just a phone-call and a handshake. Usually not even a handshake. Which means if people decide to screw you over - which has happened to me many, many times over the last 6 months - there's nothing you can do about it. So I am at once desperate for work and money, and being messed around by the people who provide it. A double whammy of stress. It's not ok.
But I'm starting to surface from it. I have a lovely month or so up ahead of me, even though it will do nothing to ease the financial situation. Home for Christmas tomorrow, back in Moscow for New Year with friends, about a week of day-trips around the Moscow region with said friends, and before you know it I'll be off for New Zealand on January 15th! Can't believe it's happening already! Can't really believe it's happening at all...! I need to stare at my plane booking to make the message sink in xD
Fortunately, something is going right at the moment, and that's acting. I'm in the middle of The Dumb Waiter, in hands down the most challenging role I've ever played and, frankly, am ever likely to play [paranoid schizophrenic psychopathic hitman, anyone?] - but it's correspondingly rewarding. We gave a little preview/open rehearsal/"reading without scripts" on Sunday, which was disastrous in that we totally messed up the play, but very successful in that the audience enjoyed it! I mean none of them knew the script, they had no idea we fucked up - ah, the beauty of playing Harold Pinter to a Russian audience! ;) It was attended by another English director who had approached me about potentially working with him, but had never seen me act; afterwards he was talking like he'd already cast me. What's more, a professional Russian actor who was also in the audience expressed an interest in working with me - so the three of us (me, him and the director) are going to start Insignificance by Terry Johnson soon. How fucking awesome is that? Another lead role I haven't had to audition for, acting opposite a professional who's even offered to coach me with character building. I am being spoilt rotten!
I'm also sort of tutoring a Russian girl (with very good English) who is applying to drama schools in America and the UK and preparing audition monologues; mostly I'm just making suggestions and including the odd tip here and there, I wouldn't call it teaching. But it is making me realise just how valuable my life experience is with acting. I mean, I already knew that having been through what I have, I can understand and emulate some very extreme emotions and psychological states that most people would find daunting. It's part of what attaches me to acting so strongly; I feel like I'm able to put all that shit to good use, and I know that it helps me to meet a demand which others might struggle to meet. Of course there are styles and genres that I find hard which "normal" people would find easy, but I don't mind. I'm aware of what my strengths and weaknesses are, and it's ok. But trying to teach someone how to do something really makes you realise how much of it you're doing automatically, and I had no idea. I had no idea that I have such a rich selection of life experience to go at, even though I'm 6 years younger than this girl I'm tutoring. And I really, really appreciate that. Makes teaching almost impossible, because I can't teach her how to have lived my life, but I've come to value how wide an emotional range I have without even trying.
Acting makes me feel whole. I fills in the gaps that trauma has left, and helps me bond with even the worst of memories rather than trying to push them away and pretend they're not there. All I know is: when I'm acting, I'm happy. Not despite the hard times - but *together with* and even *because of* them. And I appreciate happiness just as much as anyone appreciates anything that's been rare for them.
Yes, I've been to hell and back. Yes, I've been right to edge of sanity and stood on the edge peering over into the abyss. Yes, I have huge chunks of memory missing, some of them months long, and I can only imagine now what must have been happening. But I've also had the chance to see some of that in context, and piece together some kind of perspective. And fucking hell, I'm only 22! Sounds like a hell of a life - and it has been, still is, but acting helps me understand. A life like mine, and acting, just seem to go together. Like a 2-piece puzzle. It works. They just slot into each other, they blossom out of one another. And I love it. I just love it.
A lot has been happening. I will try not to make this rambling, but I always do and it never works! Oh dear...
I've been under a lot of stress because of work and money. Ever since my original, amazing, perfect job fell through in the summer, I've felt under pressure to make the money situation come together. That is even more true now that I have decided to go to drama school.
Yes, I've decided to go to drama school. It's going to cost buckets of money, which I don't have and won't manage to raise in time so it'll have to be loans loans and more loans - but you know what? I don't give a fuck. I'm doing it. Because I want to. Because it's about time I took control back over my life and started doing what I *want* and what I *enjoy*, because I'm the only person who can make that happen.
That said, I am now very pressed for time because I need to amass as much money as possible before I leave Russia. It may even be profitable to go home earlier than planned and get a part-time job, because even on minimum wage in the UK, at least I can predict work. Here, you can't. There are no contracts, just a phone-call and a handshake. Usually not even a handshake. Which means if people decide to screw you over - which has happened to me many, many times over the last 6 months - there's nothing you can do about it. So I am at once desperate for work and money, and being messed around by the people who provide it. A double whammy of stress. It's not ok.
But I'm starting to surface from it. I have a lovely month or so up ahead of me, even though it will do nothing to ease the financial situation. Home for Christmas tomorrow, back in Moscow for New Year with friends, about a week of day-trips around the Moscow region with said friends, and before you know it I'll be off for New Zealand on January 15th! Can't believe it's happening already! Can't really believe it's happening at all...! I need to stare at my plane booking to make the message sink in xD
Fortunately, something is going right at the moment, and that's acting. I'm in the middle of The Dumb Waiter, in hands down the most challenging role I've ever played and, frankly, am ever likely to play [paranoid schizophrenic psychopathic hitman, anyone?] - but it's correspondingly rewarding. We gave a little preview/open rehearsal/"reading without scripts" on Sunday, which was disastrous in that we totally messed up the play, but very successful in that the audience enjoyed it! I mean none of them knew the script, they had no idea we fucked up - ah, the beauty of playing Harold Pinter to a Russian audience! ;) It was attended by another English director who had approached me about potentially working with him, but had never seen me act; afterwards he was talking like he'd already cast me. What's more, a professional Russian actor who was also in the audience expressed an interest in working with me - so the three of us (me, him and the director) are going to start Insignificance by Terry Johnson soon. How fucking awesome is that? Another lead role I haven't had to audition for, acting opposite a professional who's even offered to coach me with character building. I am being spoilt rotten!
I'm also sort of tutoring a Russian girl (with very good English) who is applying to drama schools in America and the UK and preparing audition monologues; mostly I'm just making suggestions and including the odd tip here and there, I wouldn't call it teaching. But it is making me realise just how valuable my life experience is with acting. I mean, I already knew that having been through what I have, I can understand and emulate some very extreme emotions and psychological states that most people would find daunting. It's part of what attaches me to acting so strongly; I feel like I'm able to put all that shit to good use, and I know that it helps me to meet a demand which others might struggle to meet. Of course there are styles and genres that I find hard which "normal" people would find easy, but I don't mind. I'm aware of what my strengths and weaknesses are, and it's ok. But trying to teach someone how to do something really makes you realise how much of it you're doing automatically, and I had no idea. I had no idea that I have such a rich selection of life experience to go at, even though I'm 6 years younger than this girl I'm tutoring. And I really, really appreciate that. Makes teaching almost impossible, because I can't teach her how to have lived my life, but I've come to value how wide an emotional range I have without even trying.
Acting makes me feel whole. I fills in the gaps that trauma has left, and helps me bond with even the worst of memories rather than trying to push them away and pretend they're not there. All I know is: when I'm acting, I'm happy. Not despite the hard times - but *together with* and even *because of* them. And I appreciate happiness just as much as anyone appreciates anything that's been rare for them.
Yes, I've been to hell and back. Yes, I've been right to edge of sanity and stood on the edge peering over into the abyss. Yes, I have huge chunks of memory missing, some of them months long, and I can only imagine now what must have been happening. But I've also had the chance to see some of that in context, and piece together some kind of perspective. And fucking hell, I'm only 22! Sounds like a hell of a life - and it has been, still is, but acting helps me understand. A life like mine, and acting, just seem to go together. Like a 2-piece puzzle. It works. They just slot into each other, they blossom out of one another. And I love it. I just love it.
