I've been cutting my meds down recently, doing away with the useless ones to leave - hopefully - just a succinct, killer combo of action heroes. Currently on venlafaxine, aripiprozole, quetiapine and buproprion, of which the former 2 have achieved nothing and the latter 2 are very good.
Got the aripiprozole down to a half dose so should be starting to come off that next time I see Mr Psych, and I cut out the venlafaxine completely 4 days ago. Been having some bitch of a withdrawal, constantly feeling like I've just stood up too quickly, nausea, throbbing head, not sleeping, hot flushes and the sweats... But, at least I'm still for the most part capable of functioning, so it can't be too bad. (She says...)
Also been incredibly emotional these last few days, which I put down to withdrawal also; I've just been on the brink of tears half the time, and actually in tears most evenings by the time I'm in bed. It doesn't help that I'm only now starting to process the overdose - it must have been 2 months ago now, and I'm only just comprehending and accepting that it happened. I think at the time I was too numb to deal with it properly; I just carried on as normally as I could trying to get through exams without going mad. Which I didn't manage, admittedly, having to pull out before the end for my own safety, but I think in hindsight I had blinkers on and was focusing so much on just getting from one day to the next that I hadn't the time to look back and reflect. Now I have, and I gotta say, it ain't nice. I understand how and why it happened, and that's helping me come to terms with it, but it's still hard, and very painful.
I don't know the exact date when it happened, so I can't say exactly how long ago it was, but I think that's a good thing. I don't want that date to be forever enshrined as The Day I Tried to Kill Myself, rolling round every year.
Got very frustrated last night, in one of my emotional paddies, at the thought that in terms of my eating disorder, comparing now to this time last year it's barely distinguishable. I was in almost exactly the same place then as I am now, having moved on from the year before that, but no further. I've had to put myself back on a meal plan because since having acid reflux (or whatever it was) my eating has gone out the window and I *need* to get it back on track before Moscow. If I'm to be working with kids, I cannot - and I mean cannot - be exhibiting any disordered behaviours or even attitudes. But it doesn't feel any easier than it was following a plan this time last year; if anything it's harder because I'm not reviewing each week in therapy as I was then. My parents think I'm fine because of a comment I optimistically made when I first got home for the summer, and I haven't the heart to tell them the truth. I just feel like my recovery has stalled and not moved forward this whole year. I've been too distracted and absorbed in basic survival of university to make any real progress. I have times when I can eat normally, yes, but that was the case last year as well, and the point is that those times have not become any more frequent or reliable. Grumble grumble.
The other thing that's hard is I feel I'm becoming separated from my eating disorder, but rather than that being a positive thing, at the moment it's very negative. Thing is, eating disorders are very good company when you're on your own. And I've been on my own for a while. Every time I get close to someone, we end up drifting apart. I'm still in that stage of life where people are moving and doing new things every year or two, so no friendship is going to last in terms of face-to-face contact time. And let's face it, without face-to-face contact time, most friendships weaken. They don't disappear, but they fade drastically. And I've tried so hard these last few years to be open with people, to let them get close to me and push myself out of my comfort zone - and for what? Am I still able to phone up any of those people for support when I'm having a crisis? No. Have we even spoken since the summer began? No. The only person I'm at all close with at the moment is someone I've never met, and I'm sure the reason I feel more secure in that relationship is precisely because it isn't affected by one or both of us changing location - it's all online, and always has been, so there's some kind of durability to it. It's not like university friends whom you lost contact with after your degree, or school friends whom you meet up with occasionally but you're not all that close to despite having known them 11+ years. In this case, you start off separated by a great distance, which means that distance does not pose a problem when either of you move, because you're used to the physical separation. But apart from that one friendship? I'm very much alone right now. There's a huge hole where my eating disorder ought to be, and I don't know how I'm supposed to cope without it. By that I don't mean that my eating disorder is gone, not by any means, but I'm no longer courting it like a lover, or trusting it when I'm in distress. I hate to admit it, but loneliness is fucking hard.
In terms of Moscow, still don't have a job sorted. Got two agencies apparently trying to get me a position, but I've heard nothing for several days and am getting very antsy. It takes at least 17 days to get a business visa, and that's only once you've got the invitation and God only knows how long that takes. I'm leaving in less than 4 weeks, flight booked, accommodation sorted. This is getting very urgent. Probably another reason I've been more emotional than usual, or maybe this is effect rather than cause, stress getting to me more than it would were it not for withdrawal. We'll see. Cracked and e-mailed both agencies today going WHAT'S GOING ON HAVE I GOT A JOB YET WAAAAAHHH. Not in so many words, but that was the jist. Fingers crossed eh...?
This has been a bit of a rant, for which apologies. Love to you all =) xxx
