Sleepless

Goodness me. I woke up at around 2:30am, after 4 hours' sleep or so, and haven't been able to get back to sleep since. I was feeling atrocious, largely because of having not eaten enough yesterday which I was aware of at the time but my stomach was refusing to accept food for most of the day (I'd just feel really full almost to the point of nausea if I tried to eat anything). This is so typical for when I'm not eating enough; my stomach seems to get out of the habit of digesting stuff, but the rest of my body still makes its usual demands!

I got up, had a cup of tea and a plain piece of toast to settle my stomach, which was reasonably successful. Went back to bed, tried to sleep, listened to like 3 podcasts including a relaxation one, none of which worked. Had some more toast, this time with stuff on, went back to bed. Nothing. At like 5:30 I ended up skyping Michelle who happened to be online, having tried and failed to arrange a time lol.

I think I had some more toast after that (well, I definitely did, but not sure exactly when), and tried to go back to sleep because I had to get up at 9:30 latest for a 10am lesson at my flat. I vaguely drifted off some time between 8 and 9, but didn't really sleep, and let me tell you it was a task getting myself out of bed when the alarm went off! Like a gift from the heavens, my student phoned at 9:45 saying she couldn't come and apologising; she'd already paid for the lesson but said it would be more awkward trying to arrange a time to come and get the money back off me, and given that she was only calling 15 minutes before the lesson, probably wouldn't have been cricket to come and demand a refund anyway.

Thought I would go back to sleep, but I haven't. Finished watching an episode of Sherlock from season 1 dubbed remarkably well into Russian (Russian dubbing is frequently crap, lol), and had some pasta. Weird breakfast, I know, but I'm trying to be careful, and given that my stomach is both feeling hungry AND accepting food, I'm trying to make the most of it to avoid a repeat tonight!

God I love being underweight.

ps Does anyone know how to add multiple tags? Every time I try to put a comma or a semicolon in, Blogger assumes I want to put in all the previous tags I've used and just inserts them because it thinks it's being helpful. Driving me slightly up the wall.

Anybody there?

Been reading other people's blogs, and keep realising that I've been neglecting my own for quite a long time! Well, I never have posted very regularly. I suppose since I have so few readers I never feel like it's worth it - I have a journal for writing for myself, if the blog is for other people and there aren't any other people then...what's the point, you know? But at the same time, nobody's going to start reading a blog that's never updated...so idk, we'll see where this goes. Maybe I'll start posting more often, maybe I'll still mainly to YT updates, maybe I'll find a nice balance of the two.

I guess the reason I feel I should be blogging is because, even if nobody reads it, the fact is that someone *might*, and that makes me in some way accountable. Like, if I put it out there that I'm using behaviours, for example, the mere fact that it's on the interwebz means I'm not stuck in my own shell not answering to anyone and not having to be honest with anyone else about what's going on. I suppose it would help if I knew for certain that it would get read, but even if it doesn't, it's still there in clear writing, and that means I can't ignore it.

Some accountability would probably be helpful right now. I tried joining MentorCONNECT but was distinctly underwhelmed, I might make a YT video on it because I'm interested to see if any of my viewers have had a similar experience, or a more positive one, and just generally what you guys think. I actually brought the book Beating Ana, written by the founder of MentorCONNECT and the reason I went on the site at all, with me after Christmas. But I haven't even looked at it. I have read some of another recovery book I downloaded onto my Kindle app, but not as much as I should.

Thing is, I'm not exactly relapsing...but I'm certainly not recovering. Not by miles. I suppose I'm trying to, but really, that's only my vague attitude - I'm not putting it into practice. And I need to DO something about it. And I don't think I could do that alone.

So, if you're there, let me know. Let's talk. Let's do this blogging shit!