(Not) Busy ... ?

I'm a bit confused by the last month or so. 3 weeks since I left Russia, and while I certainly have been much less stressed, I don't seem to have been less busy. I suppose it doesn't help that in the couple of weeks before I left Moscow I was doing practically nothing, having quit my job, and was worrying that my time at home was going to turn into one of those long drags of never-ending nothingness somehow filled with time killing. There's nothing worse than realising the week has ended and you've done nothing, and you think, what the hell have I been doing for 7 days?! (Well, ok, there are worse things, but within the topic of passing time and its relation to sanity, it's definitely right down there.)

So here's a breakdown of where the last 3 weeks have gone:

Week 1 - Holland. Lovely little holiday visiting my sister en famille, although it was exhausting after a very, very long journey back from Moscow. (38 hours without sleep is bad enough if you're doing nothing, let alone being busy the whole time.)

Week 2 - Had a cold for a few days, which was predictable, actually I'm surprised it took my body that long to get ill! And then I had to learn the 40-page, over-2-hour tour script for the tourguiding company I've joined and will be working for soon. It's a mammoth task, take it from me. I was, or so I thought, being tested on it, so it was quite stressful as well as time-consuming.

Week 3 - Masters interview. Again, took some preparation, mainly trying to remember how to speak French. In the end it went ok, and I should hear within a couple of weeks, but it certainly didn't allow me to just kick back and take a break! And now I have the *actual* test on the tour material this coming Monday, so this weekend isn't a big kick-back either. Sadface :(

I've been keeping a log of pretty much everything I do during the day, and then categorising it with the help of my favourite set of highlighters (stationery love :') ), and it seems that I have actually been mostly doing fun things. There have been educational, productive/constructive, necessary, and therapeutic things, but mostly just "fun". And in fairness, my stress levels have been much lower than you would expect them to be given the job and Masters stuff. But I still just feel like I'm doing nothing! Which I intensely dislike. Need to work out how to move forward from this. Suggestions on postcards. x

The Slow Fade

This keeps coming up, time and time and time again.

Friendships slipping away, closeness getting looser and looser until it's not there any more, shared experiences suddenly not appearing to mean anything.

I have never found a way of dealing with the pain of friendships slowly fading, and I certainly haven't found a way of dealing with what's upsetting me right now, which is the failure of what I thought was a solid bond. And it failed because, well, of me. Not entirely, but chiefly. I won't name any names here but a friend who I hold very dear I think saw the bad side of me, the me I am when I'm upset or anxious or just being a bit stupid, and it went on for a while so that I think it came across as 'the real me'. She was supposedly getting to know the real me, except I wasn't me. And nothing has gone wrong, exactly, which makes it worse - there's nothing I said or did which in itself I can apologise for. I just know that I wasn't great company, that I was quite selfish about some things, and now when we talk it's awkward.

I cannot express how much that hurts. I know I shouldn't worry, but I do, because it's fucking miserable.

Oh lordy lordy

Hello blogosphere!

I am still alive, I've been in Holland since Saturday. I'll blog about it soon. Currently in Paddington station, stealing Starbucks' wifi (I know, they're evil, I know I know, I'll try and make up for my patronage by donating the cost of a latte to some worthy charity), waiting for my parents. I very carefully booked a Eurostar back that would allow me to travel outside the rush hour; wanted to travel with my parents but had to book the tickets very quickly before they sold out and didn't have time to ask which train they were on. Turns out they were on an afternoon train, should've known they weren't thinking about the rush hour and were more worried about not having to get up early! Which failed because they got up to see me on the tram outside the hotel at 7:50 this morning....

So anyway, here I am, got a spare minute to blog, thought I'd drop in for a howdy. Also, can I just say, St Pancras is FUCKING COLD and their wifi is so slow it's almost counterproductive. Sorry, had to express that outrage to someone.

I was supposed to be learning stuff on the train, which I didn't, but I may have accidentally plotted a novel. Whoops. Good though?

Apologies for randomness, humour me for now.

x

Москва, прощай! (don't worry this post isn't in Russian lol)

Yo dudes

First off, I just want to thank everyone who's replied to my last coupla posts, reassuring me that there are people reading. It's not just the fact that you're there, but the fact that the reason you're there is you feel like you get something out of reading this blog, that really touches me :') If I start posting more often, as I hope to, I can't guarantee that every post will be deep or meaningful or even thoughtful, but those ones will inevitably roll around too!

Today is my last day in Moscow, how mad is that... I've been whinging lately about how my stomach has been feeling weird and it's not helping me in my efforts to eat enough and stop losing weight, and going back to England should remove a lot of the stress that causes that. Yet today, and the irony of this is so beautiful, my stomach has been feeling so heavy and bloated that I haven't been able to eat at all BECAUSE I'M SO EXCITED about going home tonight. Oh, lol.

Went to the Bulgakov museum last night, will make a separate post with some photos, and tonight's programme looks something like this: go to English Games at 7. Perform our version of The Importance of Being Earnest at 8ish. After party with champagne etc. Transfer to a pub nearby and smoothly transition the after party into my leaving party; stay there drinking and making merry until 10 minutes before the metro closes and everybody suddenly realises they won't be able to get home if they don't leave right now. Come back, grab a coupla hours' sleep (if possible..), wake up at 3:15 (if possible..), wake up and say good-bye to flatmate - they're idea, not mine! - get in taxi, go to airport, sit watching downloaded Dr Who until the flight, go home. Bish bash bosh. Can't wait!

A Torrent of Torrents

OK, so I've recently - within the last few days - worked out how to use a bit torrent client. More or less. Still have issues with the programme not downloading, but they're get-roundable (is that a word?).

Omg, MediaGet, where have you been all my life??

Currently downloading Dr Who season 5, already have several albums including some that I lost when my computer and then iPod crashed...if only it were a bit more reliable, it would probably become a strong contender for Best Thing in the World, Ever.

In other news, tomorrow is my last day in Moscow. Can you believe that? I can't. Well, I kind of can, I've definitely got my head around the fact that I won't be here on Thursday. But not being in Moscow is one thing, actually being in England is another! Proper excited though.

Spring, here I come!