Most people, myself included, find the idea of a 5-month holiday luscious. It's not quite so straight forward when you do actually have things to get done in said holiday (don't we always?), and then you get confused about what 'holiday' means and what your priorities are and how you're hoping to feel by the end etc etc etc.

There's a Doctor Who episode where the Doctor is explaining why he likes to travel with companions - because he can't see the wonder in the universe any more. "When you make the whole of time and space your back yard, what you get is a back yard." I feel similarly about this 5-month break which is not a break; it seems there is a limit to the amount of time you can consistently feel on holiday. When you make holiday living your every day life, what you get is an every day life.

I'm currently in rural Wales visiting family, waiting to hear about extras castings (as ever), and trying to treat the week like a proper holiday. Time away. Don't think about work. I don't count extra-ing as work because I really love it, so I'm trying not to think about tour guiding, which I don't love. I'm actually getting pretty fed up with it tbh. But I feel slightly trapped by needing to have an employer to write references for future things, and the tour company boss is the only person who can currently fill that role so I have to stay on his good side. Not that he would have time to write any references anyway, so I'm not sure what I'm trying to get out of this...

I have changed my desktop wallpaper on my laptop to a summery image of a Hawaiian resort, because a) I grew up in Hawaii and find pictures of it comforting, b) it's a summery image and therefore maybe will help remind me I'm on a proper holiday, and c) I usually stress out a bit when I'm away and open my computer because I'm reminded of all the things I left behind, so I'm experimenting with avoiding that. We'll see. I am enjoying seeing it, at any rate, so I've achieved something.

But if the only way I can come up with to help me feel more relaxed is to change my desktop wallpaper, things are getting serious. Suggestions on postcards. x

After Oliver

It's official: Oliver Twist is OVER.

What madness. It still literally feels like a few days ago I was e-mailing the director, saying sorry I can't make the auditions but are there any small parts for me, I'll be around in July. That was 3 months ago. THREE MONTHS.

Time is going by so very fast, though I'm not sure what would need to happen for it to go by slowly. I keep feeling like I want time to stop, I don't want the future to happen yet because I need something to look forward to and if it's happening, that means it soon will have happened, and what the hell then?

On top of which I'm entering the post-play void which inevitably descends after each production. It's been such good fun and I'm so sad it's over; I always am, so it's no surprise, but the thought that I won't be able to go on that stage and be that character and do those scenes again is genuinely upsetting!

I'll just have to replace it by becoming even more obsessed with the Codeword in the i (and other papers too, apparently - maybe I should start buying those), and oh wait yeah maybe finish those short stories I told my friend I'd write ages ago? I do have plenty to keep me busy, and lots of active relaxing + healing as ever, but I'm going to be feeling that empty Oliver-shaped space for a while. Sadface.

Facebook => Envy

The nice thing about Facebook is that it allows you to keep up with what all your friends and acquaintances are doing.

The problem of Facebook is that it allows you to keep up with what all your friends and acquaintances are doing.

I'm supposed to be chilling out atm. Relaxing. Healing. Having a break. Which I've almost forgotten how to do, so it really doesn't help when I go on Facebook quite innocently and am then bombarded with all the shit my peers are achieving. You know, the Oxford types who write 4 plays, establish a travel magazine and direct Macbeth in one term, and then get a 1st. All these disgustingly energetic, healthy people who can do whatever the fuck they want.

And here's me, stuck at home trying to remember how to relax and stop putting pressure on myself, to stop setting targets and goals and forcing myself to achieve, achieve, achieve. What the hell would I be doing if I wasn't stuck here healing, you know? What if I was as healthy and happy as them? Their CVs are exploding, and I'm not jealous from a jobs perspective (although there is that), because it's not just having a full CV. It's having a CV full of stuff that I want to do. Stuff that I like to think I would be doing if I was running on all cylinders like they are. This revolves around acting and writing, mostly, though there are all kinds of other things too.

I know that if they're happy doing those things, that happiness probably stems only partly from the activities and achievements themselves, and partly from other life factors. But that doesn't shake the huge sense of injustice, of unfairness. Which is rare, actually, in this kind of context. I often resent what I've been through, I find it sad to the point of tragedy how much of my youth I've lost to it, but the "why is this happening to me?" sentiment is not one I'm that familiar with. Now I know why people whinge about it so much...