The nice thing about Facebook is that it allows you to keep up with what all your friends and acquaintances are doing.
The problem of Facebook is that it allows you to keep up with what all your friends and acquaintances are doing.
I'm supposed to be chilling out atm. Relaxing. Healing. Having a break. Which I've almost forgotten how to do, so it really doesn't help when I go on Facebook quite innocently and am then bombarded with all the shit my peers are achieving. You know, the Oxford types who write 4 plays, establish a travel magazine and direct Macbeth in one term, and then get a 1st. All these disgustingly energetic, healthy people who can do whatever the fuck they want.
And here's me, stuck at home trying to remember how to relax and stop putting pressure on myself, to stop setting targets and goals and forcing myself to achieve, achieve, achieve. What the hell would I be doing if I wasn't stuck here healing, you know? What if I was as healthy and happy as them? Their CVs are exploding, and I'm not jealous from a jobs perspective (although there is that), because it's not just having a full CV. It's having a CV full of stuff that I want to do. Stuff that I like to think I would be doing if I was running on all cylinders like they are. This revolves around acting and writing, mostly, though there are all kinds of other things too.
I know that if they're happy doing those things, that happiness probably stems only partly from the activities and achievements themselves, and partly from other life factors. But that doesn't shake the huge sense of injustice, of unfairness. Which is rare, actually, in this kind of context. I often resent what I've been through, I find it sad to the point of tragedy how much of my youth I've lost to it, but the "why is this happening to me?" sentiment is not one I'm that familiar with. Now I know why people whinge about it so much...
The problem of Facebook is that it allows you to keep up with what all your friends and acquaintances are doing.
I'm supposed to be chilling out atm. Relaxing. Healing. Having a break. Which I've almost forgotten how to do, so it really doesn't help when I go on Facebook quite innocently and am then bombarded with all the shit my peers are achieving. You know, the Oxford types who write 4 plays, establish a travel magazine and direct Macbeth in one term, and then get a 1st. All these disgustingly energetic, healthy people who can do whatever the fuck they want.
And here's me, stuck at home trying to remember how to relax and stop putting pressure on myself, to stop setting targets and goals and forcing myself to achieve, achieve, achieve. What the hell would I be doing if I wasn't stuck here healing, you know? What if I was as healthy and happy as them? Their CVs are exploding, and I'm not jealous from a jobs perspective (although there is that), because it's not just having a full CV. It's having a CV full of stuff that I want to do. Stuff that I like to think I would be doing if I was running on all cylinders like they are. This revolves around acting and writing, mostly, though there are all kinds of other things too.
I know that if they're happy doing those things, that happiness probably stems only partly from the activities and achievements themselves, and partly from other life factors. But that doesn't shake the huge sense of injustice, of unfairness. Which is rare, actually, in this kind of context. I often resent what I've been through, I find it sad to the point of tragedy how much of my youth I've lost to it, but the "why is this happening to me?" sentiment is not one I'm that familiar with. Now I know why people whinge about it so much...
I think being able to write on your CV 'recovered from anorexia and continue to manage my mental health. This has and continues to require comittment, organisation and heightened perception.' would be fab...but unfotunatly not an option.
ReplyDeleteMy friends finished 1st year 6th, 17th and 24th in the year. I am 196/228 with a very low 2:2. I have to remind myself that I have dealt with a lot of other stuff and frankly I was in taking extra modules in effect with all the appointments and a&e and how hard it is just to take a shower.
But knowing how I could have achieved if I had been well is a struggle.
Remember your objectives and why you have them. Actors, writers, artists (and frankly all the linguists I know...) are prone to depression, mania etc. equally it is okay to take time out, to stop, take a break from all the intensity and the overewhelming way you experience life.
It might suck, esspecially with facebook (Unsubscribe button is the best!) but you can romanticise it. x
So true. University can be really, really tough because you're thrown in with some of the highest-achieving people you will ever meet in your life. I just like to quietly think: "at least I'm not gonna have a midlife crisis!" Because achieving is great, but if you can't put it in perspective (and a lot of the high-flyers I know can't, which is how they got there), then it really won't serve you at all. Recovery might pull your grades down, but it's not a total black hole - all the hard work does get you something, and it's not something you can be graded on, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth having. I think people fail to appreciate that far too often. xxx
DeleteThe only thing you really have to know about the world is that it's never going to be fair. The rest just follows from that, and then you have to learn how to live with that knowledge. Easier said than done.
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Hi Liza,
ReplyDeleteThis post immediately struck a chord with me due to a somewhat similar experience I had when I joined Facebook. Back then it was only just starting to explode in popularity so I didn't really know exactly what to expect, other than it seemed like a nice way to get in touch with some people I hadn't seen/heard from in a while.
For similar reasons as the ones you outlined here, I quickly discovered that Facebook held the potential to make me feel profoundly miserable. Here were all these old acquaintances of my own age talking about getting engaged, travelling the world, advancing their careers and so forth, meanwhile I had no way to reciprocate with my own experiences as I was just struggling to cope with depression well enough to keep going at all.
In my mind, I knew very well that I shouldn't resent people for simply getting on with their lives, but in my heart I just couldn't help doing exactly that, and then I hated myself all the more for it. Thus, I soon decided to deactivate my account and spare myself any further pain. Looking back at this now, I still feel like it was probably the only practical thing for me to do, but I can also see how it cemented a sort of avoidance-resentment cycle that's left me with very few people to call my friends.
Of course, I'm sure this could never be such a severe problem for you because you don't share my social anxiety issues, but your post was still a vivid reminder of the way depression has affected me to the point where someone's basic vitality (not even happiness or contentment) can make me feel nauseous. Honestly, I feel like you could have plucked the term "disgustingly energetic" straight out of own head, so perfectly does it capture the despairing way I look upon healthy people sometimes.
So, as ever I don't really have any helpful advice for you--I certainly wouldn't advocate that you deactivate your account and shut yourself off from everyone the way I did. However, the resentment you mentioned over losing so much of your youth to mental illness reminded me of another blog post I read recently about depression, written by a computer games critic named Jeff Green. After being in treatment for 25 years, Jeff just came out of the depression closet on his blog, and discussed how he feels about what has been taken from him by decades of suffering:
"It's exhausting. I get tired of being me. It's so much noise all the time. I think about what I might have accomplished, or what my life might have been, if I didn't have to deal with this. But one thing I'm trying to come to grips with at age 50 - because if not now, when, dude? - is that fighting it is just a fool's game, and maybe a little bit of a cruel thing to do to myself....What I think I am asking for is the ability to forgive myself for "only" being the person I am today, for "only" having the level of success (whatever that is) that I have - rather than some mythical, theoretical success I imagine some Alternative Jeff from Earth 2 to have. I guess, in a way, I'm asking myself not to ‘be depressed’ over having depression."
http://jeff-greenspeak.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/depression-post.html
When I read those words, I realised that the hardest part of recovery for me is always going to be granting that forgiveness--forgiving my own mistakes and limitations, forgiving others for being healthy and incapable of understanding my illness, and forgiving existence itself for seeming so meaningless and unjust. Right now, I just can't do that--truthfully, I'm not even sure I want to, such is the depth of my resentment, but that is going to have to change, somehow.
I dearly hope that you will fare better in recovery than I have Liza, because whatever your brain keeps telling you, you deserve so much more than the perpetual torment of depression. You also deserve very much less of my self-indulgent rambling, so I'll stop there.
Best wishes,
Greg
Oh, Greg. Given that your comments serve for me the same purpose that my posts seem to serve for you, I wouldn't worry about the rambling. Just someone coming out of the darkness and saying "me too" is so reassuring. Part of the reason I post at all is because I hope that I can be that person for others, like sticking my hand out into the darkness because I know there'll be someone in there who needs it, even just to see it. But that doesn't make it any less significant when somebody grabs it :) If anything, it makes it more so!
Delete"In my mind, I knew very well that I shouldn't resent people for simply getting on with their lives, but in my heart I just couldn't help doing exactly that" - bang on. Coming from someone else it sounds so logical, sometimes I need to hear someone else say what I say in order to get any perspective at all! This is all tied up with my acting, as well, because it's an environment in which everyone has to be honest about the human condition - which is such a huge relief after the isolation that results from suffering being a taboo. It's very grounding, which I really need, and has become a fundamental part not just of my recovery, but of my life and my self (hence why I'm going to drama school next year; it would just be ridiculous to do anything else). I really hope you find your equivalent - or rather, I hope you find it soon, since I know you will sooner or later.
I heart you. Peace out. x
Thanks for your very kind words, Liza. You see, when I finished typing out my response post, I scrolled all the way up through it and thought "no-one would want to read this...", so it means a lot to me that you did get something out of it. You are completely awesome and I wish you all the luck in the world with drama school next year!
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