Fucking hell, sat in tears. Over something some people might say it frankly a bit trivial. Just got an e-mail from my tutor about the practice exam I did a coupla weeks ago, basically telling me I failed miserably. And if I perform like that in the real exam in 3 weeks? Then I won't get a 2.i.
Now, OK, in the worst case scenario, I get a 2.ii. Provided my other tutor gives me a good reference, then I might still be able to do the MA I want. (Let's not think about what happens if she doesn't give me the reference, or if just a reference isn't enough to compensate for a shit degree in the eyes of Bath University.) But getting a 2.ii is about more than that.
All throughout school, and especially in 6th form when my eating disorder was killing me, the one thing I had to hold onto was my education. I knew that, no matter how much I hated myself, I was not willing to sacrifice my education to some stupid disease. That was my main weapon against the ED. (That, and the fact that I was expecting to be happy at uni, which I've already talked about in previous posts.) It was the same story in 1st year when I put on weight, and was so tempted to go back into the welcoming arms of the ED, but I refused because my education was too precious. I have essentially been working towards this degree ever since I started secondary school. I've spent my whole life knowing I would come to university, and my whole life knowing I would do well. I always have done well - I was a bright student at school and I've come to expect high results from myself. I got great grades at GCSE, and straight As at A-Level, including full marks in some of my papers. And it was all going into the pot ready to get a good degree.
And now? I've come to realise, just now, in the last 20 minutes, that my worst fears have, in fact, come true. The one thing I have spent YEARS fighting against, trying to avoid, is probably about to happen. That, after all the effort I put in to preventing it, my degree has been taken over by my depression, and my eating disorder. That's it. Gone. You don't get a second chance. I have to somehow try and admit, maybe even accept, that what I've been working for what feels like my whole life, has been taken away from me. And I won't ever get it back. If I get a 2.ii, it's not just the MA I have to worry about. I'll have to go my whole life knowing that my chance to truly shine, and show what I'm capable of, just ended up on the scrapheap of fucking "mental health".
Brilliant.
Now, OK, in the worst case scenario, I get a 2.ii. Provided my other tutor gives me a good reference, then I might still be able to do the MA I want. (Let's not think about what happens if she doesn't give me the reference, or if just a reference isn't enough to compensate for a shit degree in the eyes of Bath University.) But getting a 2.ii is about more than that.
All throughout school, and especially in 6th form when my eating disorder was killing me, the one thing I had to hold onto was my education. I knew that, no matter how much I hated myself, I was not willing to sacrifice my education to some stupid disease. That was my main weapon against the ED. (That, and the fact that I was expecting to be happy at uni, which I've already talked about in previous posts.) It was the same story in 1st year when I put on weight, and was so tempted to go back into the welcoming arms of the ED, but I refused because my education was too precious. I have essentially been working towards this degree ever since I started secondary school. I've spent my whole life knowing I would come to university, and my whole life knowing I would do well. I always have done well - I was a bright student at school and I've come to expect high results from myself. I got great grades at GCSE, and straight As at A-Level, including full marks in some of my papers. And it was all going into the pot ready to get a good degree.
And now? I've come to realise, just now, in the last 20 minutes, that my worst fears have, in fact, come true. The one thing I have spent YEARS fighting against, trying to avoid, is probably about to happen. That, after all the effort I put in to preventing it, my degree has been taken over by my depression, and my eating disorder. That's it. Gone. You don't get a second chance. I have to somehow try and admit, maybe even accept, that what I've been working for what feels like my whole life, has been taken away from me. And I won't ever get it back. If I get a 2.ii, it's not just the MA I have to worry about. I'll have to go my whole life knowing that my chance to truly shine, and show what I'm capable of, just ended up on the scrapheap of fucking "mental health".
Brilliant.
Hey Liza,
ReplyDeletejust wanted to wish you good luck and send you a big hug. You are smart and I believe that you will be able to do well on your exams. You've done many amazing things - despite your mental health problems. You deserve to be happy :-) Keep on going and fighting!
Liza, I was once in a similar position to the one that you're in now, and I don't care what anyone else might say or think, it is NOT something trivial at all.
ReplyDeleteWhen you live so much of your life with academic achievement and aspiration as a powerful driving force behind you, suffering a setback like this because of mental illness hurts a lot. It feels like your problems are going to consume you, not only threatening your hopes for the future, but also mocking your past achievements along with all the time and hard work that went into them.
So, you are fully entitled to your tears, and the day may come when you have to accept that nothing can give back that which mental illness has taken from you. But while there is even a short time left, I implore you not to accept anything yet, and to give these last few weeks absolutely everything you've got. To quote Professor Tolkien, despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt, and you do not.
You are obviously a very gifted person, and there's no telling what you can achieve if you refuse to give in. If my experience is anything to go by, it'll be a very difficult, scary and frankly miserable time for you to get through, but the night is darkest just before the dawn, and you may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome when you emerge on the other side.
I wish you the very best of luck with your exams Liza, not because I think you'll need it, but it sure as hell couldn't hurt to have a few things go your way for once :)