Moscow: Week 2, Day 3
I'm having the opposite problem to usual at the moment: too much is happening in between blog posts! In the last week, I've gained a job, lost a job, lost a job, gained a job...and still don't really understand my current employment status... On top of that moods have been up and down all over the place, it's very confusing.
The main job I came out here to do (looking after an 8-year-old boy, though I think for some reason I said he was 7 in my last post) is no longer on: the kid is impossible, and even for the suggested pay I'm not experienced enough to risk taking it. Besides, lessons couldn't take place in the family home as planned, and there wouldn't really be anywhere else to do it... The good news is I've got a different job with a very cute 2-and-a-half-year-old girl, whom I don't have to look after cos her mum is always there, I just have to literally be there and speak English at her. The pay is lower, but the job is manageable, so whatevs!
The other job change has been with the drama school. I was meant to teach adult classes as well as kids' classes, but having had one go with the kids I had to pull out. I'm not really sure why. It's partly how tiring and stressful it is, trying to keep 6 kids occupied doing drama games in a language they can't really speak, giving them instructions they don't understand. I kept checking my watch and thinking 'jesus, has it really only been 5 minutes?'
The other reason is harder to pin down. There's something about being with groups of children, and I don't know why it's only when they're in big groups, that makes me feel...not old, but far far away from childhood. They're so full of energy and enthusiasm, curiosity and happiness. Happiness above all. And I'm so, well, not.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not nearly as miserable as I have been in the past. But being surrounded by children somehow hammers home how serious I've become, how unable to be spontaneous and gleeful. Unable to not give a shit about whether people are watching or judging me. Because I do give a shit, I can't help it.
Even being with Tasya (my new 2-year-old) makes me feel it. In a way she has the opposite effect; being around a child can lighten your heart and remind you of that innocent way of seeing the world, but after a while I find it wears off and I start noticing how my cheeks hurt from smiling, and I can't be bothered to say anything else like it's exciting. Is it just me or do you guys find being with children is like this?
I have been busy this week, but somehow have also had some time to myself. I'm not appreciating it very much because of the stress, and because for reasons not quite known I keep finding myself wanting to burst into tears. (If I'm alone, I do.) Processing the overdose is a slow business, it seems, having started a few weeks ago but been put on hold by the move. Now it's recommencing, and I'm not really sure how to handle it. Crying helps but isn't a solution. Remembering is painful but necessary; I want to make sure it remains a 'normal' memory, as my mind has been known to fuck things up in that regard and I don't want any more blanks or flashbacks.
But as ever, life goes on. And there's no stress can't be battled with fanfiction =P
I'm having the opposite problem to usual at the moment: too much is happening in between blog posts! In the last week, I've gained a job, lost a job, lost a job, gained a job...and still don't really understand my current employment status... On top of that moods have been up and down all over the place, it's very confusing.
The main job I came out here to do (looking after an 8-year-old boy, though I think for some reason I said he was 7 in my last post) is no longer on: the kid is impossible, and even for the suggested pay I'm not experienced enough to risk taking it. Besides, lessons couldn't take place in the family home as planned, and there wouldn't really be anywhere else to do it... The good news is I've got a different job with a very cute 2-and-a-half-year-old girl, whom I don't have to look after cos her mum is always there, I just have to literally be there and speak English at her. The pay is lower, but the job is manageable, so whatevs!
The other job change has been with the drama school. I was meant to teach adult classes as well as kids' classes, but having had one go with the kids I had to pull out. I'm not really sure why. It's partly how tiring and stressful it is, trying to keep 6 kids occupied doing drama games in a language they can't really speak, giving them instructions they don't understand. I kept checking my watch and thinking 'jesus, has it really only been 5 minutes?'
The other reason is harder to pin down. There's something about being with groups of children, and I don't know why it's only when they're in big groups, that makes me feel...not old, but far far away from childhood. They're so full of energy and enthusiasm, curiosity and happiness. Happiness above all. And I'm so, well, not.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not nearly as miserable as I have been in the past. But being surrounded by children somehow hammers home how serious I've become, how unable to be spontaneous and gleeful. Unable to not give a shit about whether people are watching or judging me. Because I do give a shit, I can't help it.
Even being with Tasya (my new 2-year-old) makes me feel it. In a way she has the opposite effect; being around a child can lighten your heart and remind you of that innocent way of seeing the world, but after a while I find it wears off and I start noticing how my cheeks hurt from smiling, and I can't be bothered to say anything else like it's exciting. Is it just me or do you guys find being with children is like this?
I have been busy this week, but somehow have also had some time to myself. I'm not appreciating it very much because of the stress, and because for reasons not quite known I keep finding myself wanting to burst into tears. (If I'm alone, I do.) Processing the overdose is a slow business, it seems, having started a few weeks ago but been put on hold by the move. Now it's recommencing, and I'm not really sure how to handle it. Crying helps but isn't a solution. Remembering is painful but necessary; I want to make sure it remains a 'normal' memory, as my mind has been known to fuck things up in that regard and I don't want any more blanks or flashbacks.
But as ever, life goes on. And there's no stress can't be battled with fanfiction =P
keep going hun, u can do it u are already doing it <3 Love Emma xx
ReplyDeleteI would think that the crying you are experiencing could also be a bit of culture shock. I remember learning back in a Sociology class a year or so back about that subject and how moving to a completely new culture (or even just visiting) and having to experience that culture and being submerged in it like you are being can cause your emotions and such to be a bit screwed up. It can also sink you back into a depression, so just be careful! I wish you the best of luck with your current jobs!
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