Perspective. I feel I'm in need of some at the moment. I'm getting really stressed out over a class I teach on Saturdays - have one this afternoon - a drama class with the students aged 11-13. I didn't want to do it, but was kind of forced into it because there was nobody else and the guy who runs the school was all like "please can you help us" "everything's going wrong, why is life so difficult sometimes" etc etc. Laying it on thick, in other words. So what was I supposed to do? And anyway, he somehow convinced me that 11-year-olds aren't really children any more, so it would be fine (he knew I didn't want to teach any children's classes, as I had tried one when I first arrived and had to put my foot down straight away not to do any more. What was I thinking? Of course 11-year-olds are children.
Guys, I absolutely hate it. Seriously I hate it. These kids have practically no English whatsoever, which severely limits what I can do with them because most activities you could do with kids that age, they just don't understand. I can't really get them to do speaking activities, because they aren't ready for it linguistically, added to which they are, for the most part, painfully shy and never want to do anything. Just getting them to do an activity is a feat of persuasion. Getting them to understand and do it right is even harder. Just, omg. I hate it. I. Hate. It.
Every week I dread it, I can sort of feel it approaching and I don't want to think about it. I have an adult class beforehand which is overshadowed by the prospect of this kids' class. In a way I feel like I want to just take all the years' classes at once, to get them over with and not have to face them any more. Kind of like exams, you know? You reach a point where you just want to get in there and get it over with.
There's nobody else I can fob it off on, there's no getting out of it. The whole reason I'm doing it is precisely because there is nobody else. So I can't pull out. I don't understand how I'm supposed to maintain this for the entire year. :'(
And yet, really, I *need* to try and keep it in perspective. So there's 1 hour a week of my job that I absolutely despise. If I compare myself to the rest of the population, as a general rule, I'm getting off pretty lightly right? I mean how many people are there doing 9-5 jobs every single day that they hate every hour of? I don't understand how they do it, I really don't.
I suppose what's getting to me isn't just that I don't enjoy it, it's that it makes me feel inadequate. I don't know what to do with these kids, I don't know how to teach them. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know what level I want them to achieve, or what they should be able to do at that age. I just feel shit. Bit of a sore spot, as I'm sure you're all aware. It's upsetting, and it's triggering. It really *really* makes me want to turn back to my eating disorder, because that was always a fairly sure-fire way of distracting myself from feeling shit at other things. Knowing that I was losing weight was somehow a cushion that made other things a little more bearable, and took the focus off them.
So no matter how much perspective I try to gain, it still doesn't seem to change the fact that this 1 bloody hour a week is sticking its finger into some very old wounds that haven't healed yet. And I don't know how to deal with that. How do people handle jobs they hate? I do not understand. Maybe it's because the conclusion they draw from having to do it is not that they must be rubbish. Which is my conclusion. And I can't see how I could draw any other conclusion; I just don't know how to work with children. And they are children, no matter what the boss might say.
The further complication is that he is directing the play I'm in at the moment, and he gave me my role. I don't want to piss him off because I don't want to make rehearsals awkward. I just want him to like me, you know? Silly really. Even though I'm actually annoyed at him for pushing me into teaching this class that I don't want to do. And I'm still annoyed at him for lying to me about how much the drama school pays, which is petty but it's the fact he lied that gets to me. Like he was trying to lure me in or something. Like, dude, there's no need for deceit here. Seriously. It's just going to make me cross with you. And god knows I've been messed around by enough people already over the last few months. >:(
Not entirely sure what the point of this post is. Suppose I just feel the need to explain myself.
Guys, I absolutely hate it. Seriously I hate it. These kids have practically no English whatsoever, which severely limits what I can do with them because most activities you could do with kids that age, they just don't understand. I can't really get them to do speaking activities, because they aren't ready for it linguistically, added to which they are, for the most part, painfully shy and never want to do anything. Just getting them to do an activity is a feat of persuasion. Getting them to understand and do it right is even harder. Just, omg. I hate it. I. Hate. It.
Every week I dread it, I can sort of feel it approaching and I don't want to think about it. I have an adult class beforehand which is overshadowed by the prospect of this kids' class. In a way I feel like I want to just take all the years' classes at once, to get them over with and not have to face them any more. Kind of like exams, you know? You reach a point where you just want to get in there and get it over with.
There's nobody else I can fob it off on, there's no getting out of it. The whole reason I'm doing it is precisely because there is nobody else. So I can't pull out. I don't understand how I'm supposed to maintain this for the entire year. :'(
And yet, really, I *need* to try and keep it in perspective. So there's 1 hour a week of my job that I absolutely despise. If I compare myself to the rest of the population, as a general rule, I'm getting off pretty lightly right? I mean how many people are there doing 9-5 jobs every single day that they hate every hour of? I don't understand how they do it, I really don't.
I suppose what's getting to me isn't just that I don't enjoy it, it's that it makes me feel inadequate. I don't know what to do with these kids, I don't know how to teach them. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know what level I want them to achieve, or what they should be able to do at that age. I just feel shit. Bit of a sore spot, as I'm sure you're all aware. It's upsetting, and it's triggering. It really *really* makes me want to turn back to my eating disorder, because that was always a fairly sure-fire way of distracting myself from feeling shit at other things. Knowing that I was losing weight was somehow a cushion that made other things a little more bearable, and took the focus off them.
So no matter how much perspective I try to gain, it still doesn't seem to change the fact that this 1 bloody hour a week is sticking its finger into some very old wounds that haven't healed yet. And I don't know how to deal with that. How do people handle jobs they hate? I do not understand. Maybe it's because the conclusion they draw from having to do it is not that they must be rubbish. Which is my conclusion. And I can't see how I could draw any other conclusion; I just don't know how to work with children. And they are children, no matter what the boss might say.
The further complication is that he is directing the play I'm in at the moment, and he gave me my role. I don't want to piss him off because I don't want to make rehearsals awkward. I just want him to like me, you know? Silly really. Even though I'm actually annoyed at him for pushing me into teaching this class that I don't want to do. And I'm still annoyed at him for lying to me about how much the drama school pays, which is petty but it's the fact he lied that gets to me. Like he was trying to lure me in or something. Like, dude, there's no need for deceit here. Seriously. It's just going to make me cross with you. And god knows I've been messed around by enough people already over the last few months. >:(
Not entirely sure what the point of this post is. Suppose I just feel the need to explain myself.
so sorry to hear that things aren't going well at the moment. I can understand your frustration with the drama person that hired you and sort of forced you into doing something you don't like. I do like the conclusion you drew about how some people have jobs that they cannot stand the whole thing. Anywho, stay strong and keep fighting!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to being tasked to things you don't enjoy at work. That has happened to me a lot over the past couple years I've been in the professional world. Constantly shuffling around to different opportunities seems to be the solution all while trying to look 6-12 months down the road where I think I am going to move next. I haven't quite figured it all out other than nothing is perfect and there are going to be many different jobs. Maybe try making some suggestions to your boss and try to push for a different class in a few months. Hang in there! =)
ReplyDelete