OK this is one of those times when I just need to blog, to write, and I'm not sure where it'll go or what I'll say but I just feel suddenly crap and I don't know what else to do with myself.
I just read an article about Helen Mirren and the 'date rape isn't really rape' fiasco, which has obviously made me very angry. I should just stop reading the news haha, stupid people make me cross! Well, it's not even stupidity, that's the thing - it's attitudes that I know are working against me every second of every day. Every time people bring up the subject of when rape isn't rape (as though that's a category anything could fall into), it exacerbates this feeling I have of wanting to hide under a duvet on the sofa and never let anybody see me.
Going out I often feel really "looked at", if it's the summer like it is now and I'm out and about in shorts or something, I walk along the main road hoping nobody honks and worrying until I get onto a footpath. If I notice anyone male looking at me I try to get out of the way as quickly as I can. I touched on this in the body positivity post I did the other week. But any mention of people's attitudes towards rape just....gah. It makes me scared to show myself anywhere in public, for fear of being open to someone taking advantage, even just having to push off probably harmless but leery drunk people makes me cringe. And feel like it's my responsibility, because if I look nice deliberately, then so many people will blame me for anything that happens, which means I can't look nice without panicking. I'm so terrified of something happening, of even being at a house party or a dinner with people I think I trust and then alcohol happening and everything going wrong...it makes me too scared to drink, and for some reason today, too scared to even go out. Seriously I don't know what's up but I suddenly feel like I want to hide, my mood has plummeted (doesn't help I'm tired and woke up in a bit of a mood), I honestly don't know what to do. I wanted to go out and get something from the shops but now I find myself just sitting here feeling shite and not knowing what to do or how to proceed with anything. What? I don't understand.
Somebody please fix the world and slip me a note through my door so I know. Thanks. x
I just read an article about Helen Mirren and the 'date rape isn't really rape' fiasco, which has obviously made me very angry. I should just stop reading the news haha, stupid people make me cross! Well, it's not even stupidity, that's the thing - it's attitudes that I know are working against me every second of every day. Every time people bring up the subject of when rape isn't rape (as though that's a category anything could fall into), it exacerbates this feeling I have of wanting to hide under a duvet on the sofa and never let anybody see me.
Going out I often feel really "looked at", if it's the summer like it is now and I'm out and about in shorts or something, I walk along the main road hoping nobody honks and worrying until I get onto a footpath. If I notice anyone male looking at me I try to get out of the way as quickly as I can. I touched on this in the body positivity post I did the other week. But any mention of people's attitudes towards rape just....gah. It makes me scared to show myself anywhere in public, for fear of being open to someone taking advantage, even just having to push off probably harmless but leery drunk people makes me cringe. And feel like it's my responsibility, because if I look nice deliberately, then so many people will blame me for anything that happens, which means I can't look nice without panicking. I'm so terrified of something happening, of even being at a house party or a dinner with people I think I trust and then alcohol happening and everything going wrong...it makes me too scared to drink, and for some reason today, too scared to even go out. Seriously I don't know what's up but I suddenly feel like I want to hide, my mood has plummeted (doesn't help I'm tired and woke up in a bit of a mood), I honestly don't know what to do. I wanted to go out and get something from the shops but now I find myself just sitting here feeling shite and not knowing what to do or how to proceed with anything. What? I don't understand.
Somebody please fix the world and slip me a note through my door so I know. Thanks. x
“I worry she is too full and will never be able to enjoy any of the important things in life
ReplyDeleteSo I reach inside her and pull her stomach out. I empty her stomach and wash its lining with cold water. Then I bury the stomach in the ground. There, I say. You will never be full again.”
I found you on youtube, and wanted to thank you for putting into words how i have felt for years.
If you ever find a way out of this place, take me with you. x