My head is spinning. I've spent most of this afternoon in bed because of a stomach ache, but I needed the time out anyway.
Saw my psychiatrist earlier today, and told her about what I've been thinking lately. That recovery from my eating disorder is dependent on a desire to live...which right now, I just don't have. In fact I have the exact opposite. How can I convince myself to throw all my effort into recovery - and it does take ALL of your effort - when I don't even want to be here?
Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything stupid. But that's the problem. I want to die, and I can't. I'm trapped. The only way out that I can see, is impossible, because of what it would do to the people I love.
We now reckon that one of the problems underlying my ED is 'low self-esteem'. I can see that the ED doesn't get you anywhere, and I can come up with convincing counter-arguments to its lies, but what I can't convince myself of is that I deserve to get better. That I deserve to be healthy. I just don't believe that. I'm still following my meal plan automatically, but in my mind I'm already in the serious stages of contemplating relapse. But do I want to relapse, after all I've found out about how useless ED is? I don't know. But then, do I want to carry on recovering? I don't know that either.
My brain is melting here. Changing the fundamental beliefs I hold about myself means turning my whole world upside-down. How am I supposed to concentrate on my studies when my world is being turned upside-down?
I've done two more auditions, and got rejected for both. I'm doing one more on Sunday, then calling it quits. I can't take any more disappointment. It's too much on top of what I'm already dealing with. Everything is too much.
It's all too much.
Saw my psychiatrist earlier today, and told her about what I've been thinking lately. That recovery from my eating disorder is dependent on a desire to live...which right now, I just don't have. In fact I have the exact opposite. How can I convince myself to throw all my effort into recovery - and it does take ALL of your effort - when I don't even want to be here?
Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything stupid. But that's the problem. I want to die, and I can't. I'm trapped. The only way out that I can see, is impossible, because of what it would do to the people I love.
We now reckon that one of the problems underlying my ED is 'low self-esteem'. I can see that the ED doesn't get you anywhere, and I can come up with convincing counter-arguments to its lies, but what I can't convince myself of is that I deserve to get better. That I deserve to be healthy. I just don't believe that. I'm still following my meal plan automatically, but in my mind I'm already in the serious stages of contemplating relapse. But do I want to relapse, after all I've found out about how useless ED is? I don't know. But then, do I want to carry on recovering? I don't know that either.
My brain is melting here. Changing the fundamental beliefs I hold about myself means turning my whole world upside-down. How am I supposed to concentrate on my studies when my world is being turned upside-down?
I've done two more auditions, and got rejected for both. I'm doing one more on Sunday, then calling it quits. I can't take any more disappointment. It's too much on top of what I'm already dealing with. Everything is too much.
It's all too much.
Aww hun, please hang in there! :( I know that everything seems bad right now, but it will get better! I wish that I could help you, but I guess that I can't do more than telling you that you're not alone! Much love to you and I so much hope that everything will turn around for you!
ReplyDeleteHugs!
I'm glad you had some time out, at least, and some time to think, whether that had a happy outcome or not - it's all part of the process I'd guess, and will be positive in the long run.
ReplyDeleteAgain - do you not want to live because you don't want to carry on as you are now? Because, if so, recovery is achieving exactly what you want, which is an escape route. Not the easiest one for you, but an escape route all the same, and one that actually leads to *something*.
It might well sound selfish, but I am *so* glad that you can't kill yourself. Purely selfishly I love you (a lot) and I want you to be around, as I'm sure many many others do, but I also believe (in a connected sort of way) that you have a LOT of good in you, and a lot to give. You might not believe that, and it's true that it'll be hard to live to your potential now and for a while yet, but I am convinced you can. We need more people like you, among other reasons, one of the things you want from life is to help people. And that is an undeniably *good thing*. If most people were to make that list and be completely honest with themselves, that point wouldn't be there.
To quote the one and only youuuuuu-
"What it definitely will do is consume all my other goals and make them impossible."
Your aims just seem very much worth it to me, both for other people and for you.
You're on the right track; you can argue against the lies and you can follow your meal plan (whether "automatically" or not, it's hard to deny that that is a very very impressive thing to keep up), and both those things, although it'll probably take a while and might feel like it's not getting you anywhere, will eventually change what you know is true to what you actually believe. Plus, by eating properly and challenging thoughts, you're allowing yourself to make progress, whereas engaging in behaviours is only ever destructive. I really, *really* hope you don't relapse, but, whether you do or you don't I will try my utmost to be here and help you out as much as I possibly can. Soo, I believe you *deserve* my time, (which, as you know is incredibly precious ;) ) and you deserve very much more than that, and you deserve a lot more from yourself in particular. Again, I think you'll realise that in time. (There's not an awful lot you can do practically to help towards that I don't think but I'm sure radical self-love would help some!)
Love you, love you, love you,
*hugs* times infinity to the power infinity and you can't get many more hugs than that
('cept, like, *hugs* times infinity to the power infinity plus one or something)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Liza,
ReplyDeleteIt's very disheartening to read this, because I feel like I know the emotions you're describing here all too well. Wanting to die but not being able to do it is torture, and worst of all there seems to be no hope for an end to the pain. I've been trapped with these feelings for the better part of 10 years now, and what I've learned (much too late) in this time is that it's just not enough to go on living only out of fear for what would happen to others in the event of your death. Over time, the people you love most come to embody your continuing suffering, and so a shameful part of you grows to resent them for prolonging your pain, until eventually you love no-one in the same way you did before.
It's clear to me now that I should have sought professional help for my depression long ago, but I previously thought recovery would only help me alone, and I hated myself so much that I didn't think that I was worth saving. So, this is going to sound hollow given my utter failure to do so, but somehow Liza you must come to believe in your heart that you really deserve to get better--not because you're young, intelligent, beautiful and caring (though I'm certain you've heard many people say so), and not because of things you've done in the past or could do in the future, but simply because you're YOU and YOU DO deserve to get better. I know this seems as though it's without reason, almost like an article of faith, and in a way it is--faith in yourself, faith in your worth as a person no matter what happens--but our self-hatred is (at its core) also without reason, and I can conceive of no other way to counter it.
Obviously gaining this faith is something that has eluded me completely, so I cannot tell you how to find it. I know that you don't spend years upon years of your life believing something with every fibre of your being and then just stop because someone says so, even if that person is yourself. However, I also believe that you won't be the only person to benefit if you can make it through all the hardships required to achieve this change one day. If you need another reason to keep going when all seems hopeless, think of the ones you love; if they're worth putting yourself through the pain of living for, surely they make it worthwhile to give recovery everything you've got. You won't be able to help them or even go on loving them if your life becomes little more than perpetual suffering and despair.
I apologise for the presumptuous, self-important, and long-winded nature of this comment; I just wanted to say something because I know you deserve so much better than this torment, but I also understand that it's very hard for you to believe that right now, and so I offer my support, such as it is. I truly hope things get better for you very soon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCfde5MZhao
ReplyDelete