I left Oxford today, for the last time. Can't say I'll miss having to fill and then empty my room every term, but overall, it was quite sad.
It's strange to think how many of those people I'll never see again. And even if I do see them, it'll just be a brief meeting to say hello, and then we'll go our separate ways. It kind of pains me to think about the friends who are staying on at Oxford, and will continue to be friends without me there. They'll bond with each other, and I'll be elsewhere.
This summer will probably be quite a lonely one, but I hope productive in terms of recovery. I've been struggling with food lately, and I need to get on top of it asap. I cannot take my eating disorder to Russia with me. I just can't. But then at the same time, I don't want to take "unnecessary fat" with me either... It's the eternal dilemma. I don't want an eating disorder, but I do want to be thin(ner). Question is, which do I want more?
I've got about 3 good self-help books that I've started, and hopefully will finish over the summer. I've got two months to myself, which hopefully I'll survive and make the most of, rather than wallowing in loneliness. I need this time to heal.
I really find it hard to get my head around the fact that university is over. I'm ready to move on, but still, I'm used to it being my life. I'm used to being a student, not an adult working a proper job! Ok, I'll be going back into education in a year, which is comforting, but still... I'll be sad not to be living the student lifestyle, although I won't miss the work or the pressure or the exams. That, I can do without. And it's good that I have something to go to after the summer, a decent living plan that factors in both work and play. Cannot wait to be acting again, like, seriously cannot wait.
I suppose I'll be kind of reviewing my life over the next few days. Taking stock of the changes. It has yet to sink in that I'm not an Oxford student any more. I might have to change the name, or the tag, of my blog, though I don't quite feel I've escaped the clutches of Oxford yet - probably won't until I've got my results and the degree is well and truly over.
So, a sad day, but one that had to come. And I'm glad it has come. Any more time there would have been too much. I've been through a lot, and learnt a lot, and grown a lot, and now I'm ready to close that chapter of my life.
It's strange to think how many of those people I'll never see again. And even if I do see them, it'll just be a brief meeting to say hello, and then we'll go our separate ways. It kind of pains me to think about the friends who are staying on at Oxford, and will continue to be friends without me there. They'll bond with each other, and I'll be elsewhere.
This summer will probably be quite a lonely one, but I hope productive in terms of recovery. I've been struggling with food lately, and I need to get on top of it asap. I cannot take my eating disorder to Russia with me. I just can't. But then at the same time, I don't want to take "unnecessary fat" with me either... It's the eternal dilemma. I don't want an eating disorder, but I do want to be thin(ner). Question is, which do I want more?
I've got about 3 good self-help books that I've started, and hopefully will finish over the summer. I've got two months to myself, which hopefully I'll survive and make the most of, rather than wallowing in loneliness. I need this time to heal.
I really find it hard to get my head around the fact that university is over. I'm ready to move on, but still, I'm used to it being my life. I'm used to being a student, not an adult working a proper job! Ok, I'll be going back into education in a year, which is comforting, but still... I'll be sad not to be living the student lifestyle, although I won't miss the work or the pressure or the exams. That, I can do without. And it's good that I have something to go to after the summer, a decent living plan that factors in both work and play. Cannot wait to be acting again, like, seriously cannot wait.
I suppose I'll be kind of reviewing my life over the next few days. Taking stock of the changes. It has yet to sink in that I'm not an Oxford student any more. I might have to change the name, or the tag, of my blog, though I don't quite feel I've escaped the clutches of Oxford yet - probably won't until I've got my results and the degree is well and truly over.
So, a sad day, but one that had to come. And I'm glad it has come. Any more time there would have been too much. I've been through a lot, and learnt a lot, and grown a lot, and now I'm ready to close that chapter of my life.
I'm just leaving college (where I've spent 3 years) and I feel similar, though obviously it is not as intense as university. I'm terrified of having so far nothing to do for 3 months until I start university.
ReplyDeleteMy friend left Oxford yesterday for her year abroad (she's at Merton).
Take care :)
I hope your two months off do offer you a time to heal! I totally understand where you are coming from about being both happy and sad about leaving university, I only have one semester left before I graduate and I just cannot believe it! It is so strange to think that the friends I have met at uni will be gone and most likely only barely a part of my life once I move back across the country to live at home with my parents once again...
ReplyDeleteAnywho, it is wonderful to see another great post from you and to hear your determination towards recovery! (: