I hate exams.

That's it, pretty much. I've done 3 so far this week and I'm absolutely exhausted. Which wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have to do 5 more. Have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow which is probably a good thing. It's difficult to tell whether I would be feeling suicidal without exams, but the fact that they're happening now feels like exceptionally bad timing. Like, I'm just not ready to go through something else. I've had to put up with so much, and I feel like I've run out of ability to cope. Suicide has never felt so logical. I read somewhere that suicide isn't a choice - it happens when the things you have to cope with outbalance the ways you have to cope. I feel like I'm in that place right now.

Ok, so technically I'm not supposed to be worrying about what grade I get. But I can't help thinking about it. I can't help thinking "I ought to be getting a 2.i, and everyone is expecting me to" - the more people tell me they think I can do it, the more people I feel I'm at risk of disappointing. I don't want to be reassured I'll get good grades. I want to be reassured that it doesn't matter, because if aiming for a 2.i is making me feel like I want to kill myself, then it clearly isn't worth it. I get why people want to try and tell me they think I'll do well, but that's so not the point. My parents have been texting me wishing me good luck and saying that I know my stuff, and I appreciate the sentiment, but I wish they would understand that it's not about how well I do any more. It's about whether I can survive until 12:30 on June 10th, simple as. And it doesn't look especially likely at the moment. The pressure is too much. And everyone telling me they think I can get a 2.i just increases the pressure, because it obliges me to try and live up to that expectation. And on top of that, it implies that getting a 2.i is important; you'll be happy if you get one, right? No, I'll be fucking happy if I'm still alive by the time results come out. I wish people would stop having expectations of me full stop. I can't handle them. It's like, stop telling me you think I'll be fine and LISTEN to the fact that I'm not. Because I'm not worried about whether I get a 2.i. I'm worried about whether I can survive the pressure to. And that pressure is not relieved by people telling me I'll get it, thereby reinforcing its importance - it's relieved by people saying you know what, fuck results, let's just focus on staying alive. That's the level I'm operating on here. Why is everyone refusing to see that?

Gargh. No wonder suicide is foremost in my mind.