Tuesday tomorrow - weigh-day. Freaking out big time. I've even resorted back to taking laxatives, which I haven't done for over a year. (I quit when my parents found out, and my mum pointed out that women in our family have a history of gut problems which I seem to have luckily avoided, and it would be stupid to mess up my system now. I totally agree, but can't help it...)
Like I think I said in my last post, I weighed myself when I was at home on Saturday night. And given that I've been restricting since then, I thought I could be sure that my weight wouldn't be any higher than that. But, not to put too fine a point on it, all the food I've eaten since then is still in me, and I'm terrified what impact that will have on my weight. The graph gets drawn tomorrow: tomorrow will clinch the pattern, and will decide whether my weight is 'staying the same', or 'going down'. It'll probably be 'staying the same', which I hate. I so want it to be 'going down'.
To put this into context, I won't give numbers, but let's say my weight was X in Week 1. In Week 2, it was 1.1kg lower than X. And I was hoping that this week, it'd be even lower still. That would make a nice downward-sloping line on the graph. But I imagine at this rate it'll be back up to X again. =( Especially after eating so well on Wednesday-Friday. In fact, my weight was exactly X on Saturday night, just be some weird coincidence. So I'm hoping it'll be no higher, but it almost certainly won't be as low as Week 2. And when a graph goes up and down like that, they classify it as overall staying the same. And, most importantly, staying the same at a healthy weight. Which means I don't have to put weight on - I have to try to eat completely normally.
Ok, eating normally for me is the biggest scare. I can cope with gaining weight, because I've done it before, and at least it means I get to eat nice foods. But eating purely healthily? I literally have no idea how to do that, and no idea how to cope with it mentally. It goes completely against the 'all or nothing' mentality that I've had for so long with this eating disorder: either I'm allowed 'bad' foods, or I'm not; I don't know how to have them sometimes, in moderation. And I don't know how to eat purely for health, and not just for taste (when I'm gaining weight or having an 'eating day') or for weight loss. This is completely unknown territory for me, and I'm terrified that as a result of that graph tomorrow, I'll be catapulted into it. Honestly, I'd rather lose weight and then gain it back than maintain the same weight, because losing and gaining are both routines that I know well and feel reasonably comfortable with.
And you know what I'm most terrified of, most of all? Being told 'just try to eat healthily, and if you gain weight, you gain weight.' Like, if I'm going to gain weight, I want it to be controlled and deliberate. I hate it so much when it just happens unintentionally. I know that my body doesn't like this weight, even though I'm technically within the healthy category. My body likes being about 10 pounds heavier, the bastard. But because I'm not technically underweight, they probably won't tell me to deliberately gain any more weight - they're most likely to say that dreaded sentence 'just try to eat healthily, and if you gain weight, you gain weight'. That's a nightmare situation for me, and it's probably going to happen tomorrow.
Hence the restricting. Hence the laxatives. Hence hardly being able to concentrate on my work. Because I'm scared that one of my worst fears might come true tomorrow.
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