I had an appointment with my therapist today, which was good, and we talked a lot about motivation. About the way my eating seems to be good right after an appointment, then gradually goes down hill over the week, and the last few days are usually quite bad. Then, totally unprompted, I had a little sit-down afterwards and had a good think about why I'm recovering.
I looked at my sheets that we've made - the lists of the pro's and con's, the reasons why I'm fed up with ED, the things I can do to help motivate myself. But I also just wrote a little list of what I want out of life. I want to help people, I want to act, I want to appreciate music and art, I want to fall in love and have a long-term relationship, I want friends and to be close to people, and...I want to be skinny. Well, that's what I wrote at least. Then I had a little think about why I want to be skinny.
What will that give me? Why do I want that? Well, I want it because I want to have a 'good body', and go through life with the confidence that I look good. And yet, looking that way requires illness, madness and eventual breakdown. And many people look good without being thin; many people have confidence in their appearance without being thin. What's more, achieving thinness won't necessarily make me confident. What it definitely will do is consume all my other goals and make them impossible.
That's why I'm recovering.
And it's why you should, too.
This is the time of year for reflection, and thinking about what you want, as people formulate their New Year's Resolutions. This is the first time since I was 13 that my New Year's Resolutions haven't included weightloss. The first time since I was 13. I'm now 21. Isn't that fucking scary?
So, my New Year's Resolutions this year are to practice self-love - RADICAL SELF-LOVE where possible =D - and, the slightly more boring, non-ED related one, to structure my time better. (Making schedules and suchlike.)
What are your NYR's, and why are you making them?
x
Firstly can I just say that you have helped me *so much* today (& last night, oc) - I honestly don't know what I would have done without you, and I can't thank you enough :) You've been ready to help me for as long as I've known you and I am really truly grateful.
ReplyDeleteI like your list, for the most part - obviously with the exception of "I want to be skinny" - but I do think it's good that you were honest with yourself, and that you didn't write the list you maybe thought you *should* have written, if that makes sense? I suppose it's the difference between what you want and what the ED wants (although of course they can become very tangled).
Then I suppose there's making the difference between being 'thin' - by my definition, at a healthy weight and most likely the one that is right for your body. 'Skinny' means something different to me, i.e. at a weight that is not your body's ideal and not particularly attractive. As you've said going down the path to skinniness will lead to "illness, madness and eventual breakdown" and definitely not self-confidence.
That is scary. It's also incredibly positive, as it just proves how much progress you've made this year. I love your first resolution (can't get too excited about the second one, but, you know, good luck ;)) and I hope it works out well for you; I'm sure it will. I reckon this year will be an amazing one for you. I have every faith in you!
I'm not a great one for New Year's Resolutions but I'll think of some now for you-
-to do more art and writing
-to read more
-to stop biting my nails
There's no big ones there; I know there's big changes to be made but I don't think a resolution is the way to make them :)
(I'm also very excited for you to get your present, my mum hasn't got her act together yet in sending it [she's sorting the stamps] and I've pretty much forgotten what it is)
Lots and lots and lots of love, and if I don't get to tell you tomorrow, a very happy new year to you :) You'll make an excellent pirate :D
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I wish you a Happy New Year and you have all of my support when it comes to your recovery. I wish you all the best! You're such a lovely person!
ReplyDeleteLots of love and hugs!
Hello lovely just catching up on the blogs i missed while i was away and i'll just reply here on this one.
ReplyDeleteSounds like despite a few rough patches you had a pretty good New Years, LOVE the costume btw, very cool :-) My New Years was kinda similar in the sense that it was good, but i also experienced the sadness that night usually brings. A self reflection type of sadness.
2011 is going to be a great year. I honestly am so so proud of both of us, the positive mindset and recovery focus is going to mean steps forward. You said this year is the first that your resolutions haven't involved weight loss of some sort. I think that fact itself is indicative of how far you have come. I really like that little list you wrote of things you want to achieve in life. I might try writing my own i think. Keep that safe. Look at it when the cons of recovery threaten to get the better of you. Just as a reminder of your potential, and what the future holds.
Saturday morning MT (my time :-D) works well for me, i'll send you a message Friday night to confirm the time just cause i think i'm working from midday but i won't know for sure until then. let me know if that doesn't work for you.
Hope you are having a good time at your relatives, looking forward to a catch up!
xoxo