My thoughts are in an absolute whirl today. I feel terrible.
I'm gaining weight, and I don't know how to deal with it. That's what this comes down to. Not knowing how to deal with weight gain. It's going right at the top of the agenda for Tuesday's appointment, but until then? Not a clue what to do with myself.
After a very successful 10/10 day on Saturday, yesterday ended up being more like a 4-5, and today is set to be even worse. I've weighed myself twice this week, which I'm not supposed to do. Result? The number is the highest it's been in at least a year, possibly two. And seriously, I just don't know how to handle that. I really, honestly don't.
My thoughts have gone straight back to not giving a shit about whether I'm healthy or not, and just wanting to be thin. I was thinking this morning how I'll have to get rid of all my short skirts because I'll just look terrible in them. I've still got a pair of jeans from last summer when I was underweight, and can't bring myself to get rid of them, because I can't help feeling that I should be able to fit into them - that's the size I ought to be. I just look so much better that way. In fact all my clothes would look better on me if I was slimmer.
Now I know full well that when I was down at that weight, I was not happy. I remember very clearly writing an e-mail to a friend who was also struggling, and emphasising how not worth it the weightloss was. My eating was so disordered, and my mind too. I was an absolute mess. And yet, I did still feel that I looked better than I had done at a higher weight. There were times when I looked in the mirror and thought "yeah, not bad". I don't have that any more. I just feel huge. People would comment on how thin I'd got, and it made me feel great; now my parents say how much better I look, and it makes me feel awful.
The thought of that number on the scale this morning sets panic into my heart, honest to god. I literally do not know what to do with myself.
What's silly is that when I see thin people, I think they look good; when I see healthy people, I sometimes still have to remind myself that that's beautiful too. It's so programmed into my brain that thin = beautiful that I'm ashamed of myself sometimes for thinking healthy people don't look as good as thin people. It's such a joke. Of course it's difficult to judge how beautiful someone is before you know them - mostly I find people beautiful because I know that they have a beautiful personality. And I find healthy people much more attractive than thin people - I'll say that much straight up. I honestly don't find thinness at all attractive, on either gender. I guess I don't feel like I have a beautiful personality, so I have to make up for it by having a beautiful body. I just don't have any self-worth, so I need to make up for it by having as good an outward appearance as I can.
But until I have more self-worth? What do I do until then?
It's funny, I have a friend who was very thin when I first knew her - not through disordered eating, mind - and last summer she put on a fair amount of weight and now has a much healthier build. When I first saw her after the weight gain, my initial thought was that she didn't look as good - then I stopped myself, and realised how ridiculous that was. She's still just as wonderful a person, and besides, that's what bodies are MEANT to look like. They're supposed to be shapely and sturdy and strong, not thin and weak. And I honestly do think she's just as beautiful now, it's just that my initial gut reaction was different. So how do I cure that gut feeling?
There's a quote from The Seagull, where Masha (who I'm playing) goes: I shall tear this love out of my heart, right from the root. (rough translation, apologies).
That's what I need to do with this bloody eating disorder. С корнем вырву.
So you've not gained as much as you thought, which is good if you're not panicking so much, and it gives you a bit of breathing space (hopefully). And again, hopefully tomorrow will give you some new thing to hold on to which will make the next week a bit easier.
ReplyDeleteIs there any way you can move the scales or something, just so they'd be harder to get to - so that weighing yourself would take more of a deliberate choice? I understand that probably isn't easy, but if weighing yourself is sending you into thought-whirls it might be a good decision to make.
Eep, I know how you feel about the jeans, I have a drawer full of clothes that I can't wear and realistically probably will never be able to wear, but getting rid of them seems like making a point I'm not ready to make. I won't go on about it, because I don't think it'd help, but I really have to say I disagree with "that's the size I ought to be. I just look so much better that way. In fact all my clothes would look better on me if I was slimmer." Probably you know that's not logical? I know it's pretty near impossible to actually believe, though.
Yep, I remember you telling me that before, and I remember telling you that; the fact that neither of us (and probably no one who is eating-disordered) always believe it doesn't make it any less true that actually getting to a lower weight won't solve anything. I don't know what the solution is. For me trying to lose is better than doing nothing to stop the way I'm feeling, but realistically it isn't actually about looking good, at least as a primary aim. It's probably different for you, but still; what's going to change that belief is finding other ways around what you feel, dealing with it in a more positive way than resorting to eating disordered behaviours.
You have a VERY beautiful personality; I've always thought so. I really wish you believed that, but I guess that's how it is, for now, and your opinion of yourself will improve. "But until I have more self-worth? What do I do until then?" <<I don't really have a definitive answer (I sooo wish I did), but honestly, I am so proud of you. I think you're doing so well. So if you can stay strong enough to carry on, I think that that is probably the best thing to do.
Lots and lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxx
Weight gain is tough, it's one of the stepping stones of recovery though (sure a pretty shit one) and has to be tackled nevertheless.
ReplyDeleteDeveloping self worth is difficult too, but it's even more impossible when you're underweight as im sure you know. I often find myself regressing back to the thought that i can keep some parts of my ED, like only recover partially.
'If i'm not purging, but im still thin, that's still okay right?'
Doesn't work like that though unfortunately (as i've discovered haha). For recovery to start making real progress, we need to be healthy (physically). I'm sure you've heard of the Minnesota Starvation Study, being underweight just fuels the obsessive ED thinking.
I guess what im trying to say is hang in there. I'm sure it feels like you've been doing alot of 'hanging' lately and its so much easier to let go, but it's not worth it. You have such a beautiful personality that hasn't been able to let shine fully because of ED. And you said it yourself, when you were at your lowest, you weren't happy, and happiness after all is whats important. Self Worth takes practice. Eliminating those ED thoughts that sneak in takes practice, and getting used to being a higher weight takes time and patience.
Stay strong, you can absolutely beat this, one step at a time. xoxo