Hey guys. So, the last time I posted, things weren't looking so good. Right now, they're kind of mixed.
If you follow my YouTube videos you'll know that I finally had some success on Thursday, breaking the board in Sul Ki Do! That was friggin awesome. Especially because I tried really hard to eat properly on Wednesday and Thursday, so that I could be up to full strength, and it looks like it paid off. Yey for recovery! I just felt so good on Thursday, and it did carry on into Friday. Eating well, I just felt so much more alive, you know? I went to the MCR after college Christmas Dinner on Wednesday, and was chatting away happily, not subdued by worries about how many calories I'd just consumed.
Things started to get harder on Friday, when I no longer had a specific goal/reason to eat well, and on Saturday I only managed two meals. I didn't really follow the whole regular eating plan, either, which is what I'm currently on for CBT. I have to eat something solid at least every 4 hours - 3 meals, 3 snacks. At the moment I can choose what I eat, so long as it's solid and I don't go longer than 4 hours without eating. Yeah, totally failed on that front on Saturday, but that was mainly because I was moving and the whole day was hectic.
I'm staying in Oxford until Wednesday even though term is now over, because I want to get some essay work done. Trouble is, my normal room is on the main college site, and they need it for interview candidates over the holidays, so I've been kicked out to extra college accommodation out of the centre. Highly annoying, as on Saturday (normal going home day), I had to do two moves - one with some stuff to my new room, the other taking the rest of my stuff home. I went home Saturday because there was a ceilidh in the evening, though in the end I only lasted for half of it because I'm coming down with a cold and wasn't feeling good =(
So today I was at home in the morning, then my mum brought me back to my new college room this afternoon. I managed brunch with my parents, but it doesn't look like I'll be managing another meal today. Still, I am getting back into the routine of regular eating (even though I'm just having fruit), which is better than nothing. I'm just not ready to go straight into 3 full meals and 3 proper snacks a day, not yet. Which is why I haven't been given any rules as to what I eat, I guess - I'm supposed to be taking it slowly. But somehow I still feel like I'm not doing well in recovery, just because I *should* be eating better food. God, I need to cut myself some slack. I had a very good few days last week, so so what if things go downhill a bit now? I'm still doing what I've been told, and can't be expected to manage more than that just yet.
I think my problem with regular eating, is that it means I don't feel like I can lose weight. Even if I had fruit for all my meals and snacks, I wouldn't be losing weight as quickly as I'd like. I won't say what my normal weight loss routine is, but let's just say, it doesn't involve eating 6 times a day! So I'm not having the benefit of losing weight, but neither am I having the benefit of eating proper food and feeling ok physically. I'm in a sort of no man's land, neither here nor there. Really don't like this stage. And I don't know if I'm going to be asked to gain weight, so I don't know what kinds of foods I'll be asked to eat when we do get to the stage where I have to eat the right things. That's stressing me out, because I like to know what's coming. Am I going to be asked to eat weight-gain foods, or just normal foods? I have no idea, and I hate that.
Anyway, I've been rambling for long enough now. Better sign off. Love to all xxxxx
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