This morning

So, this morning.

First off, my weight wasn't as bad as I thought given that everything I've eaten since Saturday was still inside me. It was exactly the same as last week. But what really REALLY frustrates me is that, had the laxatives worked, it would definitely have been lower. And then I would've had that all-important downward line on the graph.

As it happened, there was no graph today, because my therapist had forgotten to do it. But it turns out that they need 4 readings in order to describe a trend, so actually, it wouldn't have mattered what today's reading was. The idea is that they get you to look at trends rather than obsessing over individual weight readings - that's the theory. In practice, it's gonna take a lot of work before I stop freaking out over each individual weight. And you know what really got me? I know she didn't mean it to be upsetting, but my therapist said that she was worried my weight would've gone down since last week. Like, of all the things to say that are gonna just turn the knife in the wound of not having lost weight because of stupid laxatives.  :'( Of course, from a treatment point of view, she pointed out that it was good it hadn't gone down. But all this really is by the by since, as I said, it'll be next week before we have 4 readings on the graph and can deduce some kind of trend. Anyway.

We're in the slight conundrum of knowing that my weight is now within the healthy range (something else I despise) but that my body still doesn't like being here, and wants me to be a bit bigger. So we're gonna shoot for that higher weight, but taking it very slowly, looking at gaining a couple of kilos in the next month. This will require a HELL of a lot of work from me. Because it's not the intensive weight gain programme I was on before (since we can't be absolutely 100% sure that I do *need* to gain weight, it's just that I've noticed my body tends to move itself towards this higher weight so that's probably where it wants to be.) See, the idea of the intensive weight gain programme is alright, because you essentially go all out and eat loads of junk food - in terms of all-or-nothing, that's the 'all'. Although I know perfectly well that in practice, I can't do that; I just can't handle eating that much crap for that many days in a row without taking a starvation break.

So actually, all things considered, it's probably a good thing that I'm on the current plan: I can include junk food, but I don't have to eat lots of it. The difficult thing is, as always, moderation. I just don't know how to do moderation. Even though that's what ends up happening when I *try* to go all-out: I can't manage it, so I end up eating some junk but not that much. So my eating habits will probably be exactly the same as when I'm on the intensive programme, it's just that now, that pattern is what I'm aiming for. But it's the mentality that counts. When I'm on the intensive programme, my mind is set to full gear - even though in practice I don't manage it, all I manage is second or third gear. Whereas now, my mind is supposed to be set to second or third gear, and I don't know how to do that. That's what's bugging me.

And, of course, the temptation to make sure my weight is lower next week, to get that *official* downward trend...well, let's not even go there...