Currently watching The Barber of Siberia, one of my favourite films ever =D
So the first thing to say is that yesterday, when I weighed myself (and on Saturday), I got the number in kilos. After posting yesterday, I worked out what that number was in stones + pounds, and it wasn't nearly as high as I thought. Not the highest I've been in a year. (Thank god.) That was just a taste of what is to come if I don't sort my shit out by the time I actually do reach that weight.
I calmed down a lot after realising my weight was lower than I thought, which is not a good thing, but I suppose in the short term it did make a big difference. Trouble is, my mind set by then was already stuck in the 'must-lose-weight' thing.
Luckily I had an appointment today, and we talked about a lot of things. I brought up the fact that I don't know how to deal with weight gain, and we talked about anxiety. When I see that I've gained weight, my anxiety shoots through the ceiling, and the obvious thing to do is to start restricting, which brings it straight back down again (doesn't completely eradicate it, but helps). What I need to be doing is riding it out, and it'll fade of its own accord if I distract myself. Besides, being underweight increases your anxiety anyway. And losing weight only reduces anxiety very temporarily - after all, it's a compulsion, not a choice, and you can never lose it fast enough or 'well' enough.
We also talked about enjoyment, mainly the fact that I don't get any from anything other than losing weight. She was saying how I need to change my expectations - other things might not be enjoyable yet, but they will be, and they'll be enjoyable in a different way. And - as I said - losing weight is only enjoyable for a very short time, and extremely unenjoyable the rest of the time.
So I need to ride out my anxiety, and change my expectations of enjoying things. And continue to eat lots of food. We'll see how all that goes...
Well, knowing that it's anxiety gives you a name and therefore something solid to fight against/wait to get better - that's good. I know from my experience that restriction etc. really does increase anxiety.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this is the same for you, but the enjoyment I get from weightloss isn't exactly enjoyment in the sense of the word I'm used to - it's something more sinister than that (for want of a better word). Maybe that's what you meant by "they'll be enjoyable in a different way"? I guess what I mean is something like, yeah, enjoyable in a different way, but as your mood increases, etc., also in a *better* way. I like this changing your expectations thing. I like the sound of your counsellor!
How are you doing now? Have you thought of any distractions? (The Barber of Siberia is a good one for a start ;) )
Lots and lots and lots of love
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(and many a hug) xxx
Hi, I don't know what to type, really, but I think that I feel how you feel....very much so. I'm struggling with my weight and although I'm told I'm thin I feel terrible....the same story as many i suppose...at any rate, i wanted you to know that i follow your blog and your videos and that i feel for you...i feel like you do.....i don't have an answer....just a similar soul struggling. best wishes,
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