So it was the Sul Ki Do grading today - not a big one, just for white belts to get a little yellow tag on your belt, that means you're not a *complete* beginner. I've taken it before, and passed everything except the break. Yeah, breaking the board. I totally failed on that. And guess what? SAME FUCKING STORY today. Aced everything, and then couldn't break. AGAIN. I am so angry with myself, and just frustrated. The instructor who came to do the grading was so nice about it - on my way over to have a second attempt at breaking, he grabbed me for a little word and was like "please break, you're really good at everything else! break it even just for me". Although that kinda made me feel even worse when I failed, cos I felt like I was letting yet another person down. *sigh* In fact everyone was really nice about it, it's just so frustrating. On Thursday, I get to try breaking it with a different technique - a kick instead of an elbow strike - and if I do that, then I'll get my yellow tag. That's not usually how it works, but they're making a little exception for me since I can clearly do everything else. Besides, this grading was just a little one within the club; at big gradings up in London, you can pass without breaking. So I may have a chance when I do a big grading next Easter. Idk, we'll see. All I can say is that my arms are mightily bruised! I mean, seriously, I've got wheals going on...
I drowned my sorrows by going out with a friend from Sul Ki Do, who was doing a grading in London on Saturday and doesn't think she passed (she didn't break either). Twas a good night, I had a couple of drinks though not as much as I'd been intending to have - we were planning to buy a bottle of limoncello, except by the time we'd got back from training and had showers etc it was gone 11 and everywhere was shut! [And omg, my Safari spellchecker doesn't know what limoncello is...!] The music at the club was awesome - it's gay night on Tuesdays, and the music is always good. Except the other thing I like about gay night is that I don't have to worry about unwanted attention from men - yet this evening, they were all over me! Yeurgh. I think people come at the end of term who don't usually come, which means lots of straight people who just try to dance all over you lol. Girls just don't do that, you see, which is why I don't worry about unwanted attention from gay girls. These guys are all trying to get hold of me and I'm like, dude, get the hell off me. I'm sure you're a lovely person but I don't want to kiss you. K thx bai.
Therapy today was good. We talked a lot about motivation, which is very important at the moment. We went through the reasons why I'm fed up of ED, and I keep the list at the front of my food monitoring records so I see it multiple times a day, every time I record something. Last week, when I couldn't break the board at Sul Ki Do practice, I got so depressed that I turned to ED behaviours. But this week, I know that I'll get another chance in two days, and I want to make sure I'm up to full strength - that I'm not being held back by weakness from under eating. So I'm gonna do my best to fuel myself up good and proper over the next few days, and hope that the extra strength helps me to break that bloody board on Thursday! After that, I'll have to turn back to what we discussed in therapy to find specific motivation to recover and continue eating normally.
I'm to print off some pictures that represent why I want to recover, and stick them all over my room - because it's much less obvious than having a written list that people might ask about! I think it's a good idea, will get started on that tomorrow.
In the meantime, work work work. I need to use it as a distraction - now that I'll be eating better, I should have more concentration, but also more need to distract myself from the calories. A perfect combo. Let's see how it works out....
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