I'm not ready for this. I'm so not ready for this.
My mood has been all over the place recently, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope with CBT. I just wish I had more time!! I don't want to start treatment yet, I want more time...but I don't have it. Finals are in May - I can't stay ill any longer. I can't afford to. I need to be in treatment, but I really REALLY don't want to go in yet.
"As I move my feet towards your body I can hear this beat - it fills my head up and gets louder and louder...There's a drumming noise inside my head that starts when you're around, I'd swear that you could hear it, it makes such an almighty sound."
That's the ED in my head. "Louder than sirens, louder than bells, sweater than heaven and hotter than hell".
Right now I just want to crawl into bed and shut the world out. But I have a French essay to do, and a Russian presentation, and a Russian essay. And vocab to learn. And grammar to practice.
I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to keep my head above the surface right now. Suicide gets more and more appealing, but I know it's not an option, so I try not to think about it. When I do, I realise how trapped I am. I have to stay alive - I don't have any other choice. If suicide was an option, believe me I would take it. But it's not. I can't hurt people. So I'm stuck here. Stuck here with no idea how the hell to survive, to keep moving forward with so much weight dragging me down and so many failures pushing me backwards.
All the plays I auditioned for are on at the moment, getting reviewed in the student papers. And I'm not in them. It sounds like such a stupid thing to get upset about - I didn't get the parts, get the hell over it girl! But it doesn't work like that. I was so looking forward to acting this term, to having multiple plays on the go, acting so much that I barely had time for anything else. And look how things have turned out. I'm not "right" for anything, I'm not good enough for anybody. There's always someone else who's better. I can't even cry about it; every time I come close, all the tears dry up and I get overwhelmed by how wrong everything is. Everything is wrong. Story of my life - I reach the point where things can't get worse, and then they do. Or I reach a point where things are starting to look up, only for them to nose-dive and crash, and wind up even worse than they were to begin with.
I just don't know what the fuck to do any more.
Aww hun :( <3 I just wanted to say that even if things seem bad right now it will get better! We are so many here that love you and that truely appreciate what you're doing for us. You're a big help and such a support both through YT and your blog. Thank you for sharing your story!
ReplyDeleteBig hugs <3
I've just read both your posts, but i'll comment on this one here
ReplyDeletearhh not the feckin period, thats the last thing you need to make a visit right now, i feel for you, just remember the bloated feeling will be from that so go easy on yourself.
As for treatment starting tomorrow, gosh i can understand all those nerves, and not only that but the way ED finds every possible way to twist your thoughts around. Stress from uni is probably not helping either, nor is being ill, but i guess thats what life is presenting you with right now. Treatment is the right place to be, and although its such an effort, and it will take a whole lot of strength, it can't be pushed to the back-burner. With help will eventually come clarity, and with that uni and just everything in general will be alot easier. In terms of tomorrow though, i just wanna jump right over to Oxford and be there for you because it sounds like you are really having it rough at the moment. Progress is hard when it feels like every three steps forward is followed by two steps back, but the important part is that one step in the middle. Don't forget about that step because its called progress, and you are in the process of it. You are one of, if not the most insightful and strong people i know, and i don't say that lightly. I know you have the strength to walk into treatment tomorrow, not only because its the right thing to do, but because you deserve it. You deserve every chance to fight this, and you are fighting this already, tomorrow is a continuation of that journey. Thinking of you hun, thinking of you right now because its probably your tomorrow right now. Hold that chin up, the wind will change before long
Love you xoxo