Alright, but scared.

More fireworks tonight, which is fun - I've watched two shows out of my window. :) I <3 living on the top floor at times like this!

Had a pretty good day today, actually, though still a bit ill. Not really able to concentrate, which given that I have two essays to be writing, is not good at all. Oxford doesn't leave you time to be ill! I was in the library with my friend for most of the day, interspersed with expeditions to Hall and to Boots/GAP/Zara for shopping breaks hehe. Also did an audition for Troilus & Cressida, which I think went ok but you can never know really. I need not to think about it! I've had many rejections this term, which is part of the reason why my eating has been so bad - I feel shit when I get rejected from plays, and I don't know how else to feel good about myself again other than losing weight. Ah, gotta love the ED logic. (NOT.) I know that none of the rejections were based on my being a shit actor, it was just down to being exactly right for the part and all that jazz; but still, it's not nice, and I can't help feeling that I should be able to make myself right for any part - I mean, that's what acting is, isn't it? Whatever, I can't trust my own logic at the moment.  That's the other joy of having depression/ED - not being able to trust your own mind. 'Frustrating' doesn't even cover it.

And, ok, there's something that's really freaked me out the last couple of days. As I say, my eating hasn't been great recently, and yesterday was one of the first days in a while that I actually ate properly (because of feeling really ill). And I found myself experiencing the urge to keep eating even after I was full and didn't want any more. Yes, by that I mean the urge to binge. Fairly standard for someone with an ED, right? Wrong, for me anyway. I have never binged, it's just not what my ED is like, and I've never experienced the impulse to before. I didn't act on it, luckily, but I'm pretty freaked just by the urge. Because I had NEVER felt that before, and I didn't understand it. There are probably physiological explanations - I mean, when I first started at the hospital, I was warned that most people with restrictive eating disorders end up binge-eating eventually because there comes a point where your body takes over and *forces* you to eat. But why now, of all times? I'm not very underweight, my eating hasn't been atrocious.
So what the hell is going on?