CBT - Day 2

So, you guys are probably wondering how treatment is going? Thank you so much for your support everyone, it really means so much to me. :')

My therapist and I decided to start with 3 sessions, and see if I can handle it. If not, we'll stop again; otherwise, we'll carry on as before. I'm not sure how we're going to do it, whether we'll start the programme again from the beginning or fastforward through the stuff we did before...wait and see, I guess. We're starting with me just filling out the sheets - I have to write down everything I eat or drink, where it was, whether I feel it's too much, whether I purge or take laxatives, and generally how I'm feeling at the time. It's tough shit. I absolutely hate seeing written down what I've eaten; it just makes me disgusted in myself. There are many things that I now just won't eat, because I'd be too ashamed to see them written down. Which in a way is a good thing; it certainly will stop me from bingeing, but then I don't binge anyway so... hmm. It's more just stopping me from eating stuff, which is not very helpful. I always hate this stage. I even feel bad writing down that I put sugar in my coffee earlier, because I'd rather just forget about it. If I'm left to it, I can actually try to eat quite normally, but not when I'm monitoring myself. Ironic, isn't it?

Later, I'll have to try and follow a set pattern of eating, and make meal plans with my therapist, but for now we're just trying to get a record of exactly what my eating is like atm. So I'm not altering anything. Of course I know that I should be trying not to restrict, but at the same time, I want my therapist to get an accurate picture of the situation, which means trying to carry on as normally as possible. It's just unfortunate that at the moment, normal = restricting. I think I'll be ok once December comes - Christmas has always been a time of year that I sort of insist on keeping to myself; I love Christmas, and ever since I developed an ED, I've fiercely protected my ability to partake in the festivities by eating seasonal foods and generally not worrying about what I'm eating. I refuse to let go of Christmas, I refuse to let ED take away that one time of year that feels so safe and warm. But of course, ED always finds ways of encroaching, and I suspect it will this year. I just find it easier to fight the urges off when I have a solid reason for doing so, you know? I can say "no, it's Christmas, I'll eat what the hell I like. I don't want this season of cheer to be ruined by worrying about my weight". I don't know if this is making any sense at all...

I'm pretty much over the infection now, which is good, but it means I need to knuckle down and get some work done, because I no longer have an excuse for being lazy. I actually found it quite helpful to have a physical illness for a while, because it allowed me to take some space mentally and have a bit of a breather. Oxford work is mentally exhausting, which is not fun when your mind is already vulnerable.

I went to Sul Ki Do the other night, which was good and bad. I managed to master some kicks that I've never been able to do before, so that was awesome. But I failed yet again, despite many attempts, to break the board. (You know in martial arts when people break a piece of wood with their arm? Yeah, it's that. Except we don't use wood, we use boards made out of some poly-plastic thing that can break in half and then slot back together again.) It's so frustrating, and I got inordinately upset about it. Still, I think I know now why I'm not breaking it, even though I'm doing the technique right. I'm still holding back a bit mentally - not because I'm afraid of the pain (my large collection of bruises now proves that I wasn't worrying about pain, lol), but just because I don't believe I can do it. Even though I might feel like I'm really going for it, my mind just doesn't believe that I can get my arm through that board, and it stops me applying full force. In a way I'm not surprised that the reason I can't do it is that I'm not believing in myself. Hm. Still, I'll hopefully get to try again tomorrow, and we'll see if I can conquer myself.